


Too cold to Love, too broken to be loved

by Cloud67



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:55:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26157658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloud67/pseuds/Cloud67
Summary: It was just like any other day, Jeongyeon thought. Wake up with the emptiness feeling both her surrounding and her heart. But not that day, not when Myoui Mina happens to breathe there. And since that day, Jeongyeon's world never been the same.
Relationships: Minatozaki Sana/Yoo Jeongyeon, Myoui Mina/Yoo Jeongyeon
Comments: 10
Kudos: 55





	1. Untouchable

**Author's Note:**

> Hi i'm a newbie here. just want to write this off my head.  
> English is not my main language, so sorry for any grammar mistake or error.

She was no one. Yes, she used to be popular but no, not anymore. Right now, she just a normal human being that live like a zombie. Live with no actual reason to pursuing any dreams or career, have no point to enjoy life as the day passed. 

It’s not because she is poor, no, she had it more than enough to spend on some fancy things. Friends? She had some that can be counted as close friends. She knows lot of people, but just a few of them that she considers to be close to share couples of things. Family? She come from a broken one but that does not mean she have none. She still connected with them, acknowledge and appreciated their presence. So, what is wrong with her? The answer is- _blame the universe for that._

She will wake up in the morning, breathing and wondering about life, go to work, back home and contemplating about any other thing she should have done that day, and go to sleep think about nothing but everything. Her days will repeat with the same routine on weekdays, with reading books or exercising to be added on weekends. Such a boring life she has for the past 3 years. Until one day, her friends can’t really stand it anymore.

\---------------------------------------------

Myoui Mina falling in love. Not just a feeling of liking someone then falling and been in love, not that simple. She falling in love for someone that put on multiple layer of mask for people around her, make it hard to understand and resulting on depression to try to put in her shoe. The more you try to talk to her, the more you know nothing about her. It’s confusing for sure, but Mina is not the type that give up easily, not when her heart falling deeper each day.

Her feelings that grew slowly inside her heart suddenly burst out when fate playing their card. Mina didn’t realize it until someone, triggered her feelings and proved it wrong all this time while denying it. For years, she just thought it was a common thing that shared between friends, but eventually it turns out more than that. It was a crush, she admitted first, and then it doesn’t seem like it as time passing by just watching her from a far or talking casually like they were used to be. She wants more, and Mina thinks it’s okay to be selfish this time, because she deserves the chance, chance to be with the one her heart chooses.

Mina knows it will be hard. It’s not easy to approach her considering years have passed and still there’s no sign that Jeongyeon would open up about herself and speak out her feelings to her friends. Mina wants to know her, more than friends. She wants to be the person for Jeongyeon to lean on and share her thoughts and problems. She wants to love Jeongyeon, for all she can do with all her might. She loves Jeongyeon so much that her heart wants to burst everytime she saw that lonely brown eyes. She wants to understand her pain, her thoughts, her feelings, she wants her to be loved.

Jeongyeon was quite popular in Junior high. She was the captain of the Basketball team, but her skills covering almost all the sport games and despite being busy with training or events, she still managed to get top 10 in her class, which is quite amazing considering that her present in class not even half of the normal hours in the week. She was athletic, clever, and have good looking face. She thought she was just like another normal students, be friend with other students from different class and often playing prank that resulting in going to teacher office. Lucky for her, she still managed get out with nothing.

Mina and Jeongyeon were friends since Junior high. They were chat buddy but never talk in person. They never talk face-to-face with each other until their friends teased them. Things become awkward after that because they can’t stand to be in the same place together. Their friends will purposely set them up, leave them alone but to no avail, it’s always ended up in the same result. They would not uttering any words and just let the time passed until it’s time for them to go. 

When they got into high school, things changed. Both Jeongyeon and Mina has stopped become chat buddy, and no one knows why or when it stopped. Her friends not asking or bring up the topic, and Mina not even care. During the year, Mina slightly hope she can be in the same class with Jeongyeon, but no, because in the end she ended up in social class while Jeongyeon was in science class until graduate.

Mina and Jeongyeon eventually have same circled friends and naturally talk and joking with each other without feeling awkward. They would casually hang-out after class with Momo, Jihyo, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu. Sana joined the group not long after Jeongyeon introduced her cause they were classmate and pretty close with each other. Others always think they were couple, but none of the two admit or deny it, think it was unnecessary. Both of them were popular with Sana known as the Smartest girl of the batch and Jeongyeon that still have the title from her Junior high.

Time passes and they are already on their last day of school. They sit down on the school bench and thinking back on their first day as a high schooler. They reminiscing the all the moments they had. And at one point, Mina unknowingly realized that she has been observing Jeongyeon from a far for the past 2 year. She would unconsciously look at her class direction, or finding reason to pass her class just to take a glimpse of Jeongyeon sleeping, playing, talking, or studying for the test. And in all the time she saw Jeongyeon, Sana always there, sitting beside her.

On graduation day, they made a promise to each other. No matter what happen, wherever they are or how busy their lives later, they should be in contact. They bid farewell with tears, because Jeongyeon and Sana are leaving the country in the following week. Sana to take on the scholarship while Jeongyeon going to another country to live separately with her family. She always want to live independently separated from her family, no one knows the real reason and we just hope the best for her.

They give a warm hug to each other, and the moment Jeongyeon let her go, Mina heart beats faster. She realized, she has like Jeongyeon all this time. They staring into each other eyes for a few seconds, waiting for someone between them to say something. She did not say anything until the end, and Jeongyeon just give her a nodding smile. _“Take care, Mina ya..”_ and just like that. She glanced at her friends for the last time and turn her back away. Mina feels a pang in the chest, knowing she would not see her again.

\-----------------------------------------------

Sana came back after finishing her scholarship in 4 years. As a sole heir, she has to take over her parents’ business and settle back in town. They always left their schedule empty on weekend to meet up, catch up to each other life and relationship. With Nayeon and Dahyun joining the group, it becomes more noisy and hectic-in a good way. They were the couple that always bickering in front of people during the day but become lovey dovey when the night comes. 

Momo and Jihyo both have a supportive boyfriend that loves them so much and considering to a serious stage. Chaeyoung and Tzuyu just moved in together after dating for the past 2 years. Mina's relationship was the worst among them. Her last ex only last for 6 months, and Mina realized that she should just stop to take them for granted. Sana is currently single after breakup with her boyfriend while in overseas.

“Anyone has heard about Jeongyeon? Will she comeback this year or just make an excuse like the past 4 year?” Jihyo suddenly said when we just recovered from Tzuyu’s cute mistake on saying Stress instead of Strike when playing bowling.

“Yeah she is something you know. Always made up an excuse when we asked about her return” Chaeyoung answer with a sulking face. Tzuyu just side hug her girlfriend with a knowing look, knew about her girlfriend feelings toward her favorites friend.

Mina just stay silent. She knows. Jeongyeon always avoiding the topic of her return or made an excuse when we planned on vacation together. She is still in contact with the group, but rarely goes online. She would just update her media social like once in a month or two. No one knows what she is up to that makes her so quite about her life. Mina wondering if she is really living her life, if she is healthy, if she- with someone right now. 

She tried to personally ask Jeongyeon about her being, but not much being said between the conversation as Jeongyeon rarely reply to her message. Turns out it not just Mina, others try to find whereabout Jeongyeon is but little info did they knew. They only thing they knew was, Jeongyeon has working hard managing the bakery shop for the past 2 years, the one she opened up after saving so much in her lifetime.

“Actually… " Sana speak up after a while. "I kind of know where Jeongyeon is. Right now, she is still busy working, but she will be free in around 6 hours from now on. I’ll try to let her know that you guys miss her.”

__

__

All of them, including Nayeon and Dahyun that already know who Jeongyeon is now looking at Sana. Some of them give a look asking for explanation, and the rest just being curious of how the fuck Sana managed to know about Jeongyeon activities that no one awares of. That Girl is just like a ghost, only come when you not expecting her to reply to their nonsense group chat and gone so fast when you need her the most. She is there, but mostly as a silent reader in the group.

Mina is jealous. Not for the first time she felt the jealousy towards Sana. But she had been since she know that Jeongyeon and Sana were closed, almost always stick together when they were classmates. But she really had no idea that they are still that close, considering that both of them went overseas, living in different continent and time zone. How the hell they managed to keep in contact for a long time, Mina don’t like it.

_But she doesn’t do anything.._  
_Who is she?_  
_Is not her place to say anything.._  
_Is not her place to feel jealous.._  
_Mina knows.._  
_And her heart breaks.._

\--------------------------------------------

Sana and Jeongyeon still keep contacting each other while studying overseas. It’s not that they calling or chatting everyday, it’s not Jeongyeon style, and Sana seems to be okay with it. Mostly it was Sana who initiates talking about something new out of her interest, afraid that their chats will slow down and die. But during their study time, Jeongyeon would surprise her a couple of time to encourage her for the test or showing her new _Lego_ collection. 

She will suddenly Video call Sana and doing it for a couple hours. They would talk about nothing, just staring at the phone for a while and leave the phone on until the battery died. Sometimes Jeongyeon will just looking at her while she was busy studying or cleaning house. It really boost Sana energy and study hard while being supported by Jeongyeon from far away. She wants to show Jeongyeon her hard work and get praised for her achievement. Her family and friends would always compliment her, but the one from Jeongyeon were her favourite and she keeps wanting it more and more.

Sana likes Jeongyeon. She has shown interest in the girl since the first time they were classmates. She knows Jeongyeon is popular with boy or girl, because of her cool personality. She is easy going, kind hearted, surely a prankster but still know her boundaries and takes full responsibility for her reckless action if it’s out of hand. She is brave and have great leadership, she has great knowledge of things and can be wise when the situation getting serious, no wonder they choose her as the Captain of the basketball team and Leader of one of the school organization. She’s so perfect, or that was what anyone think of.

Sana has seen her worst, and she was there when it happens. Jeongyeon doesn’t like it when people pity her when she was breaking down, and Sana knows what to do. She will just stay still while protecting her from afar. She will keep an eye while Jeongyeon slowly recover without knowing Sana was there for her. She will pretend to study or look away, but her mind is full of Jeongyeon. She will steal glances to her left where Jeongyeon was seated. Mostly Jeongyeon would just sleep with her head covered in her bag. It’s funny and Sana always find it cute. When break time comes, Jeongyeon would be the first to stand and wait for our friends to have lunch together. When she forgets her homework or stressed about upcoming test, she would face palm herself and hit her head lightly to her table. 

She is busy and have little time to rest, but the worst part that Sana know is her insomnia. No matter how tired she is, she can’t seem to have proper sleep. That’s why most of the time Sana would just let her sleep knowing that Jeongyeon really need it. She would seat beside Jeongyeon just to keep others from talking to her or wake her up. Some other students she doesn’t know will come to her class looking for Jeongyeon, either asking for her number or give some sort of love letter. Jeongyeon will just shrugs it off if Jihyo or Momo tease her about her popularity, knowing it was useless to fight it. She likes Jeongyeon, and she will protect Jeongyeon, with or without Jeongyeon knowing it. And it goes until they graduated from High School.

On her Third year in University, a boy from her organization club ask Sana to be his girlfriend. He is nice, quite handsome and has been trying for a long time to be close with Sana. On the night before her birthday, the boy has been waiting in front of her dorm with a cake to celebrate her birthday. He knows that Sana have part time job that night and purposely set up decoration for her. When Sana arrive there, the boy wishing her the best and promise to fill her following days with happiness if Sana let him stay beside her and protect her. Sana just stood there, confuse, she doesn’t know what to response to the boy. He waiting patiently for Sana to speak up, and Sana promise to give him the answer within the week.

She is in _dilemma_. The boy was always nice to her. He was there help Sana whenever she was in struggle. He would always try to cheer Sana up when things get heated in the organization or filled with so many works compile up. after knowing what he did for her birthday, people in her organizations and friends try to push Sana to accept his confession. They ask her to give it a try, not knowing that Sana already having someone on her mind. She thinks. She waits for Jeongyeon, wait for Jeongyeon to say something or confess to her but to no avail, Jeongyeon did not do anything. And when time is due, Sana just accept the boy confession, and try to make the relationship works.

Sana did tell Jeongyeon. Actually Jeongyeon was the first person to know about Sana's relationship, know that Sana is no longer single and having her first relationship. The latter just congratulate her and said would be happy for Sana if she is happy with the boy. Sana was disappointed with Jeongyeon. She though Jeongyeon would be Jealous and confess to her, but nothing happened. After been together for 3 months, Sana just open up to Jihyo and her other friend in their group chat. Of course, Jeongyeon is in there, but she just keep silent. She pretends not knowing about it and tease Sana for not being single anymore. _It hurts_ \- Sana think. After all, her love was one sided for years.

_But can she blame Jeongyeon? No. She can’t._  
_She knows Jeongyeon just think of her as one of her close friends._  
_It’s her fault to think that Jeongyeon have the same feeling towards her._  
_But why it hurts a lot?_  
_Why she still hope for Jeongyeon to be hers?_


	2. Intuition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Just when you think now it's the time to be brave, that the chance is coming for you, throw away all the hesitation in your mind._   
>  _You begin to try, failed a couple of times and now almost get at hold of it. Reaching the end, just one more step, and you have it._   
>  _And just in a blink of eye, You see it slipped away from your reach, onto somebody else. Realized, it's too late to take it back._

“You should go, Jeongyeon. I know you need it,” Sunmi said, appearing from behind the door. The shop has closed two hours ago and both of them stay back to checking the stock for the next delivery. They almost finishing the checklist when the latter entering the storage room where Jeongyeon counting the last item of the list. After double checking the list and send it to the supplier, they head back home walking together.

The night breeze flowing through their faces, it’s refreshing yet calming at the same time. Jeongyeon like it, she likes the feeling of night time. Usually she would feel great after finishing the day and walk slowly to reach her apartment, but there’s something bothering her thought for the past couple of days. She can’t seem to shake it off, it keeps ringing in her head and it shows through her face. She can hide it to other people, but not to Sunmi. The latter have known her for a couple of years. She might not know what is Jeongyeon’s personality inside, but all she know is, the time she observed her, Jeongyeon is a hard worker and a nice person. She is dependable and trustworthy, although she might seem cold at most of the time, but she knows-she’s warm person inside. She just knows.

Sana called her last week, told her about the weekly gathering of the group. Jeongyeon knew about their weekly date. Each of them was busy with their life, but still they try to make the friendship alive and work it out. No matter how tired or stressful their week was, they would always met and spending the weekend together. She misses them, more than her family. They are like her other family, not related to blood but has a special place in her heart. She’s grateful to met them, and being part of them is one of the best things she has ever did. When Sana told her about how they miss her, she just can’t ignore it. Deep inside her screaming, longing for her friends, Too.

“I say what I said, you need it. You don’t need to worry about the shop Jeong," Sunmi said when they have passed a few blocks from the shop. "Takes the time you need, I wouldn’t mind. Besides, how long has it been since the last time you saw them? Five years? Don’t you miss them? Hell that’s really a long time Jeong. I would beat-no, I would slap you five times, once for every year you miss the time with them.” 

Jeongyeon laughs, and Sunmi’s following after. It’s a light conversation to ease the burden on Jeongyeon’s mind. She’s glad she met Sunmi in her early days to survive in this town. She met the woman when working in a small café couple year ago. Sunmi, being a kind senior she is, helped her a lot through her early days and been teaching her about pastry. After having enough saving, they decided to open a small bakery shop and eventually managed to expand it to a bigger location and gaining trust with the local people as their favourite go to place to spend early morning with their specialty coffee and freshly baked bread.

“Do you really think I should go.. back?” Jeongyeon is still unsure. She is still contemplating to come back home and meet her friends and family. It’s been almost 5 years since she saw them. She has been made up excuses to met them in the past. They were disappointed, but eventually goes on and try to understand her all this time. All of them still in contact with each other, with the addition of two people that went to the same university with Momo and Tzuyu. She doesn’t mind honestly, she welcomes them but feels sorry at the same time because most of the time she just left them on read in the group chat, unable to spend more time for them.

“Yes, you do. I want to see the flight ticket on my face next week, and I would not accept any excuse for that. Good night, Jeong.” Flashing her smile, Sunmi turning her back to walk away to the other direction to her home.

Jeongyeon’s smiling back at her after. Sunmi did not see it, but she knows that Jeongyeon is smiling behind.

And just like that, Jeongyeon is going back home.

______________________________________

It’s been two days since her arrival but none of her friends realized about her return. She plans to surprise them on the weekly gathering, suddenly appearing in front of them and made up for the loss time. Since today’s weather looks promising, Jeongyeon head out from her apartment and strolling the area. Sunmi promised her to take care of the shop for the current time and asked her to settle for a while here. She’s not planning to live with her dad, that’s why she decided to buy an apartment while spending the time here. It’s quite far from where she lived but still close enough to the middle of the city. The price is quite affordable, with a good view from the balcony and the location is less noisy compare to other places. Jeongyeon like it, she prefers it this way.

When walking through the park, she saw a small café located at the end of the street. She has had her caffeine yet, so she decided to go to the café and try on their brewed coffee. She will spend a couple hours there to kill the time. Maybe, if the coffee is good, it would be her go to café while being here.

She entered the café and the smell of roasted coffee bean welcome her. It’s quite packed with customer, maybe because it’s a popular place for hanging out in the area. She placed her order, a cup of Almond Mocha and a raspberry and chocolate muffin. On her way to find an empty table inside, she found a small book corner on the left end. There’s some literature book, magazines and novels placed neatly in the White book rack. Searching some more, her eyes darted to a book that has interesting titled **_The things you can only see when you slow down._** It has some illustration with interesting quote in each page. A healing type of book is what she needs usually, so she grab the book and took a sit across the exit door-facing the wall, afraid someone might recognize her later on. 

She’s reaching page 11 when her order is being placed by the waiter. She thanks him and have a sip of her caffeine doze. The coffee smells nice, perfectly bland without burn taste. The chocolate’s not to sweet, it balanced well with the almond milk. The muffin also being warm up nicely, the sourness of the raspberry goes well with the chocolate makes it a good desert to pair with her mocha. Jeongyeon likes the coffee, the food, and the book-the café will be her favorite starting today.

Jeongyeon’s busy reading the book, falling in another world as she devours the content when suddenly someone is whispering through her ear.

_“I don’t know you are into a book. The last time I recalled, you were an athlete that likes to sleep in class”._

The voice seems familiar in her ear, Jeongyeon thought. She slowly turning her back just to meet those beautiful light brown eyes once again. And she doesn’t feel alright. Something in her stomach stir.  


Jeongyeon feels the time just stop for a while. How could she be so ethereal? 

_______________________________________

There’s something that pulls Mina into this café. She was actually on her way to meet Tzuyu to find something for Chaeyoung’s birthday. She promised to accompany her today after doing her house chores. Just around the corner, she could smell some coffee beans being roasted from outside. To fulfill her curiosity, she steps inside to take a quick look inside the small café. It’s a small café that packed with customer sitting and talking comfortably. The inside maybe small but cozy, and the coffee smells great. A small coffee to take away won’t hurt, beside she still has an hour before the appointed time. She prefers to arrive early, rather than to be waited. It just a habit that she can’t seem to let go, and she doesn’t mind at all.

While waiting for her coffee to be made, Mina try to have a look at the right corner of the café. There is some small cactus with different variety placed in the hanging table near the window. Those cactuses were placed in a small glass that painted with different colour to give out a calm vibe. It’s cute to have it placed in her room and Mina reminds herself to buy some of it while shopping later with Tzuyu. 

Hearing the barista called her name, Mina quickly walk to grab her coffee and have a sip. Not bad, she may come back next time. Then she turning her back to get out from the place, her eyes darted to a table occupied by a woman that sitting comfortably reading a book across the exit door. She was sitting facing the wall, that’s why Mina did not realized it when she comes in before. Mina could recognize those face even from the side like where she was standing right now. A sharp jawline, pointed nose and plump lips, Mina still remember it well. The face she misses the most.

Without realizing, her legs walk slowly to where Jeongyeon is sitting. Bending her body, she takes a quick look to what Jeongyeon’s reading and small smile form in her face. She knows the book, actually one of her favourite. Considering the position she is in, she can smell a hint of mint from her hairs, fresh and cool, Jeongyeon’s style. She has not change at all, maybe. But Mina doesn’t want to let her hopes get too high. Time changes people. That's what she has learned through the time. The smile hasn’t left her face knowing that the latter is too focused on her book that she didn’t realized that someone is standing so close to her back, not until she whisper slowly to her ear.

_____________________________________

“How are you, Jeongie?" Mina casually talk to her. She is now sitting across Jeongyeon, attempting to talk to her. No, actually she is nervous, how can she not be? It’s almost 5 years since the last time she saw Jeongyeon in person. She can feel cold sweet sipping out through her hand. Her heart now beats faster. Is it because the caffeine hit her body? Maybe the coffee here is too strong for her. _Calm down Mina calm down. Breath in.. and out.. slowly.._

“Well I, I’m good Mina. How are you?" Jeongyeon can feel the heat rise up in her cheeks. She get caught here. But she shouldn't show it, so she keep talking and flashing a shy smile to hide it.

"I did not know I could meet you here and now. I want to say sorry in advance. I’m planning to meet the group this weekend, but fate beat me first, I guess.” Jeongyeon shrugging her shoulder then laughing nervously because Mina fond her in this café. Remembering what Sunmi said that night, she definitely deserves some slap on her cheeks for not announcing her return. She sure will get it by now if it was Jihyo or Momo that she met today, she’s so lucky that it was Mina. 

Myoui Mina. She has become more beautiful since the last time they met. Jeongyeon still remembers the last time they hugged, and the gazed Mina gave her at that time. She used to have a crush on her, not because of her looks, but because she is Myoui Mina. She is a feminine, smart and quiet type girl. She looks cold outside and most people think she is boring, but once you know her, she is surprisingly could talk a lot. It just a matter of interest, and the habit of judge a book by its cover playing the part.

Reminiscing about their past makes Jeongyeon smile for a second. Unknown to her, Mina saw those smile clearly. She makes a note in her head to remember it clearly. _It's a beautiful smile._

They talked. Mina tells her about her life, what she has been up to, tell her about their friends, on how some have changed to pursue their dream more. She tells about the group dynamic, on how the new couple affects them-bringing more life and fill emptiness of Jeongyeon’s presence. There’s a lot of thing that Jeongyeon has missed out, despite still connected to her friends. It’s more or less her fault to not engaged with them more.

An hour passed so fast, both Mina and Jeongyeon too distracted with the conversation, not realizing the time, until Mina’s phone ringing suddenly. Tzuyu’s name flashing on the screen. 

“Hello?” Mina speak first.

 _“Where are you, Unnie? I’m already here since.." Tzuyu paused. "Fifteen minutes ago,”_ Tzuyu’s reminds her. 

_Shit, Mina forget about her promise._ “I’m heading there, wait for me, ok?” Mina answered and drops the call, looks back to the girl in front of her. 

“You should go now, looks like you are already late," Jeongyeon speaks first, finishing her coffee then standing up, following by Mina. "Please don’t tell the others that I’m here, I still want to surprise them. Let’s go out together, I’m done here”. 

“I hope to see you soon again Jeongie," Mina flashing her gummy smile after got out from the café. Jeongyeon just nodded and saw Mina walked away, until she is gone from her sight. Jeongyeon’s thinking to take a stroll one more time today, but decided to head back home, afraid of the possibility to met her friends. Reached home, she checks her phone, and saw a message from Chaeyoung;  


“ _It’s my birthday next week. I really hope you can stay here with us to celebrate. I miss you. Take care of yourself well.”_

Time sure flies by. Jeongyeon wouldn’t remember any of her friends or family’s birthday, she sucks at it. She’s not really cared about someone’s birthday, let alone celebrate it. The least she could do was wishing them the best, sincerely. But Chaeyoung is one of her close friends, besides she’s back here for a while. She should do something to make up for the loss time. She thinks, and suddenly an idea pop-up in her head. Checking back her group chat, they haven’t decided on the place for this week met up. now she knows what she should do. 

~ 

It’s been a year since Jeongyeon’s back and join her friend get together. She’s still managing the shop she had with Sunmi and decided to open one in the city. She would fly back and forth to checked between the shop and ensure it runs smoothly. Although she’s busy, she made a promise to always meet her friends here. They are the other reasons that keeps her _alive,_ she thoughts to herself. 

They have been supportive when they heard the news of Jeongyeon starting a business in the city. Most of them would come by couple of times in a week for coffee or just to say hi to Jeongyeon, especially Sana. The girl spends almost every morning in the café to see Jeongyeon, said she likes her coffee a lot and it really helped her to go through her busy day. Jeongyeon's really grateful that despite her busy time, the said girl still put the effort to come and brighten her day. Sana will come and left with a lovely smile, one that Jeongyeon love since long time ago. 

"Morning Jeong! My usual" Jihyo greet with her loud voice upon entering the shop. "And a brownie with my coffee please" Mina said with her small voice after arriving at the counter and flashing her gummy smile to Jeongyeon.

They work in the same area nearby so they drop by almost every day, with Mina always take her coffee with a dessert, saying it suits her taste a lot. Because of that, both of them has been texting each other a lot, reminiscing their old times. They have the same taste in most of the things, like playing games, building _Lego_ , and surprisingly about books. Mina told her about the books she read at the café, and recommend some other books for her to read. Turns out, they matched well talking about almost everything. 

They are getting closer than before without Mina realized it. It’s not her intention in the first place. Although it seems like she know about Jeongyeon by texting each other a lot, Mina can’t seem to shake it off. She feels Jeongyeon’s hiding something inside her that she doesn’t want to open up to anyone. There’s a side of Jeongyeon that she, maybe even her friends and family doesn’t know at all. She’s curious but afraid to step too far from the line. She wants to ask her personally, but think it’s not her place to do so.

She wants Jeongyeon to open up to her, and by that, she means to confess her feelings for Jeongyeon. Mina wants to be by her side, to know her better and reassured Jeongyeon that she will be there for here, sharing the pain she has been holding- that only the Gods know how long has it been..  


Mina has been getting anxious for the past two weeks, planning on her confession for days. Her work was being affected and she’s now near the deadline. Her senior reminds her to finish it in time, asking her to be professional and set aside her personal things that distracted her to finish her task for the current time. And so Mina buried the idea, she could still see Jeongyeon in her cafe. It's not like that girl will move again without notice.

She set aside the idea to confess to Jeongyeon for awhile. She has to get her priority straight. _It can wait, _Mina said to herself. She tried, finishing the task before the deadline and did forget about her intentions in the first place. Now free, believing in her intuition that it's the right time, Mina gathers up the courage to meet Jeongyeon and talk with her alone. She will confess to her this week, for sure. She’s really up for it and can’t wait for weekend to come.  
__

____

____

Mina thought the confession would happen,

_But Sana beats her first for it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It will be around 5 chapter, next chapter will start the story highlight. please bear with me


	3. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Oscar Wilde said; "Each Man kills the thing he loves."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please listen to these songs while reading this chapter, it will helps convey the feelings i want to tell, despite my bad writing skills:  
> \- Circles by Post Malone  
> \- Don't Wanna Try by Frankie J  
> \- Malibu Nights by Lany

“Sana? What’s with the sudden? Did something happen?” Jeongyeon ask, a bit surprise to see Sana suddenly come to her apartment late at night. 

Usually Sana would tell her in advance if she wants to pay a visit or come just to take a break from her exhausting work, but not tonight. There’s a glint of tiredness plastered on her face and something must be bothered her to come at this time, Jeongyeon’s thought. Standing on her door, Jeongyeon invite Sana to come in but the latter just shaking her head, refusing her offer without saying anything. Instead, Sana keeping her gaze to the floor, not bother to look at Jeongyeon when she is the one that ringing her apartment bells late at night.

Worried can be seen on Jeongyeon’s face when Sana is too quiet, not bubbly and smile brightly like her usual self. She prefers brightly and happy Sana, and when seeing her acted like this is really bothering Jeongyeon the longer she stands, feeling the chilly air slowly creeping on her body.

**_Flashback_ **

They are having dinner at Momo’s house to spend the Saturday night. Everyone is here except Jeongyeon, who cancels on last minute because of some reason. After dinner, they decided to watch a movie Nayeon recommended, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind;her all-time favourites.

They are still in the middle of the movie when Sana suddenly speak out, breaking the silence in the room. They were too distracted with the movie’s playing in front of them. 

“Uhm guys..”, Sana voices, soft but loud enough for her friends to change their focus to her.

“Huh? Is the movie boring? We could change it if you don’t feel like it,” Nayeon asked first, afraid she has suggested a wrong genre to watch for the night.

“No, no. the movie is fine. I just- I have something to say,” Sana assured, before Nayeon could feel bad about her sudden calls.

“What’s wrong then? Is it about your family business?” Jihyo asked, concerned. Somehow she could sense the nervousness from Sana’s voice. Something must be bothering her to suddenly call out for attentions.

Feeling her friends eyeing towards her direction, Sana takes her time before continue. She’s nervous for sure, but decided its time to tell them now than never.

“No, it’s not about the business, it’s fine though. Just.." Sana stopped for a second, unsure if it was a good idea to tell them in the first place. "My parents..they want me to marry one of their close friends son. They ask me to meet him next week on the Family gathering,” Sana said, sighing loudly to let her friends know how stressful she feels right now.

“Well, what do you think about marriage? Do you want to marry early? I thought you are into girl. But no offense, okay? I know your ex is a boy, but God, I thought you are into Jeongyeon? I could swear, you’re looking at her like she’s the only one existing in this universe!” Nayeon blurted out while rolling her eyes. Momo nodded quickly, agreed with what Nayeon has just said.

“Right, me and Nayeon thought you and Jeongyeon were dating behind us. We just met last year but seeing you two acted with each other, we are very sure you both have something. Or we have the sign wrong all this time?" The confussion plastered on Dahyun’s face.

Chaeyoung added with her frown face, “I also thought you two have something special! I’m really really confuse right now. Tzuyu has been observing you the past few weeks and even told me that she believes you two are having a thing. It just a matter of time for the both of you to bring it up to us. Now you suddenly tell us that you will marry someone else? Are you saying there’s nothing going on? That’s.. I feel bad, stupid to be honest, really.”

Sana keep quiet, there’s something on her face that telling them it must be true, but they can’t read her expression clearly. Instead, they wait patiently for Sana to clarify their suspicion. Few seconds passed and she still seems hesitate to answer, keeping her gaze down and fidgeting on her loose shirt. Still contemplating on the right words to tell her friends about what she plans to do.

Something inside Mina is shaking. There’s a strange feeling that this sudden conversation will lead to something she dislikes. She wants to avoid this conversation, but deep inside she can’t lie, she want to know too. She herself has been curiosed about their relationship. Since Jeongyeon come back, Sana has been acting different and her friends also noticed the change. Sana was busy, it’s hard to met her if not because of the weekly met up. But somehow, after Jeongyeon decided to settle back in town, she has a lot of time to spend with her. They hanging out a lot together. Just the two of them.

Mina caught them one time late at night. She was on her way home and passed by the park near Jeongyeon’s apartment. Waiting on the red lights, she saw two familiar figures sitting closely at the park. She's about to cross the street, to the bus stop opposite the street but decided to walk back to the park and see the person clearly. 

Mina doesn’t need to walk closely to recognized who they were. The lamp post beside their bench was providing enough lights for Mina to see Jeongyeon and Sana, sitting too close to each other on one side, despite there’s still so much space left on the bench. They were talking about something funny, Mina guessed, seeing how they laugh at each other freely not minding other people in the area.

For a few seconds, Mina swear she could see Sana gaze softly towards Jeongyeon, staring longingly without the latter realizing it, clearly with the help of the moon’s light, before smiling to Jeongyeon as if she ever gets caught staring too long. Mina has had a stressful day because of her work, and now seeing those two in front of her manage to enjoy their night time together, more than enough for Mina to curse herself. She quickly turns her back, walk away, faster than before, not having enough energy to witnessing their lovely night.

She wants the answer. She wants to know the truth.

“You are not dating Jeongyeon, are you?”

The sudden question from Mina wakes Sana up from her deep thought. She stares right into Sana eyes, demanding an answer. Mina can’t, won't let Sana go away before clearing up the matter regarding her relationship with Jeongyeon. She wants it, now.

“I’ll be honest with you. I think it is time for you guys to know. I will lose it the more seconds I put it in my chest."

"First of all, I’m not dating Jeongyeon. I do want to get married early, but not with that guy," Sana answered with a sad voice then continue, "I have someone I like. I have been looking out for this person, quiet a long time. Since high school to be exact. At first, I just thought of her as a friend, but as the time passed and the more I spend my time with her, it grew up into something different. Until I realized, I have fall for her."

“Sana- " Momo tried to call but the said girl keeps talking,

"When I was still in a relationship with my ex, my feelings towards her become uncontrollable to the points that I can’t see anyone else beside her. Her face, her voice, it keeps popping and ringing in my head. I can’t stop thinking, knowing she’s not the one I was having a relationship with. Even when my ex standing in front of me, even when he was holding me, I can’t stop imagine it was my time with her, thinking she was actually the one beside me. My minds keep messing with me thinking that I’m trying to replace her with someone I never liked in the first place. He was kind, a good boyfriend, but I can reciprocate those love. It took me quiet some time to end it with him. It’s hard for him to accept it but I just can’t do it anymore. I just want her, and by her, what I mean is Jeongyeon. I love her so much, and I can’t hold this anymore,” Sana finish off, could feel a burden in her chest has been lighted up.

They kept silent afterward, unsure of what to say or react. Momo can’t even utter a single word anymore. All of them know that Sana has a crush on Jeongyeon, but they never thought it would be that much, including Mina. Sana is waiting, she waits for her friends response.

Silence once again filled the room. Tzuyu that keeps silent most of the time finally speak, “What are you going to do then? Did Jeongyeon know?”

“No. She doesn’t know yet. That’s why I’m telling you guys now. I want to tell her, and i’m going to confess to her tomorrow”

**_Flashback End_ **

“Sana? Are you.. okay?” Jeongyeon asked again for the second time, not sure what happen with Sana right now. Few minutes have passed and Sana’s still won’t talk. It looks like she’s in a deep thought and Jeongyeon afraid she would startled Sana if suddenly making a move to where the girl is standing. It’s getting colder and she doesn’t want any of them catch the cold.

Another minute has passed. Sana tries to calm down her nervous, grasping the air slowly and let out a long sigh. Now ready, feeling brave enough to face Jeongyeon, she lifts up her head and looks straight to the eyes in front of her. Jeongyeon now has darker brown eyes. Not sure since when the color begins to change but it’s so mesmerizing, so beautiful. Those brown eyes really drawn her more. It pulling her harder towards the deep orbs.

Sana has falling to deep. And she knows, there’s no way out. Now or never.

Seeing Sana finally looking up at her, Jeongyeon just about to speak when Sana beats her first,

“I Love you, Jeongyeonnie. I Love you, since long time ago.. I, I have fallen for you long enough that I can’t hold this feeling anymore.”

And with that, Sana takes two big steps towards Jeongyeon and close the gaps between them. She kissed her, pouring all her emotion. Sana kissed Jeongyeon with all the love that she had been holding all this time. She delivers all the pent-up feelings inside her chest, hoping, just hoping Jeongyeon would understand and kiss her back. 

She wants Jeongyeon to feel and returns the love she had.

Few seconds passed, but Sana didn’t get any reaction from Jeongyeon. Jeongyeon just stay still, not moving an inch or reciprocate the kiss. Sana felt rejected, it hurts her heart. It hurts to know that Jeongyeon doesn’t love her back. She pulled back and cry, do not have the courage to face Jeongyeon after being rejected. She should have known that Jeongyeon don’t have any feelings for her, she, never. 

So it’s just a _one-sided love_ , Sana thought. She should have read the sign better, for Jeongyeon she’s just a friend- nothing, no more than that.

At that moment, Sana just want the world to swallow her to the black hole. She wants to disappear right there, right now, and back to her bed to cry out her shit to sleep because reality is sucks. She feels so miserable, having unrequited love really fills her heart with sorrow. Losing her hope, she just begins to step away when Jeongyeon called out,

“Sana, wait! I- " Jeongyeon hold Sana’s hand and turns the body back to face her. She looks at Sana, unsure of what she should say right now. She feels bad. She tries to open her mouth to say something, but then close it again soon after. The words can’t seem to come out. Her mind just go blank in an instant. Can’t think of any words, Jeongyeon just do what she could do at this moment. She proceed to hugs Sana, embrace the girl fully in her body. She doesn’t want Sana to feel bad at all.

Sana stays still, not hugged Jeongyeon back. Her minds already clouded with Jeongyeon’s rejection. Jeongyeon can hear Sana’s heart beats faster. She can feel the warm tears that drip down from Sana’s face on her shirt. She let her cry, patting her back slowly. After a few minutes, sensing that Sana has stop crying and calm down, she pulled back and wipe the remaining tears from her face.

The girl just keeping her gaze onto the floor, so Jeongyeon lift Sana face, cupped it with both of her hands. She’s looking, searching something in Sana eyes to tell her that it was all a lie. Tell her that what Sana has said just a mere crush, not a love. She doesn’t want Sana to love her. She keeps on thinking like that but failed, because what she sees is a pair of sad eyes filled with hurt, and love that begging her to let them in. 

It’s like Jeongyeon has been hypnotized, 'cause the moment she realized, her lips already covering Sana’s mouth and engulfing the girl tightly in her body. She kisses Sana with all her might, pulling her closer as they’re still any space left between them, afraid she would let go and lose Sana in just a blink of eye.

It really caught Sana by surprised, the way Jeongyeon suddenly acted. Recovering from her shocked, soon Sana kissed Jeongyeon back. With Jeongyeon arms on her waist, Sana wrapped her arms on Jeongyeon’s back to deepen the kiss. They kiss slowly at first, but the tempo begins to increase as they feel the heat rise up. They keep kissing for another minute before eventually let go of each other, grasping the air to fill the need of their lungs.

Unbeknownst to both of them, Nayeon, Tzuyu, Dahyun and Mina are standing in the corner, watching the scene playing in front of them. They came quietly, tailing Sana from behind. After hearing Sana’s confession last night, they decided to follow Sana after work, hiding in the corner and witnessing the confession. All of them- except Mina, has been supporting Sana for delivering the confession to Jeongyeon, that’s why they would not miss the chance to see it for themselves. Although some of them can’t come to make it, witnessing the confession because of some urgency, Dahyun has promised them to record it with her phone, not letting them miss the whole story. 

Mina knows it’s a bad idea, she would end up hurting in the middle, but she can’t help it. She wants to see it herself. Witnessed everything, little did she know it would be this hard, didn’t know it would break her heart to pieces when she sees the person, the one she also has been in love with, kissing someone else. Someone else, other than her. She wants to look away, afraid the tears would fall down anytime soon the longer she stares at them. But her body just freeze, suddenly immobile, unable to look away from the scene in front of her.

“Did Jeongyeon just.. kiss her? Like, kiss- kissed her back? Oh my God! They are eating each other out!” Nayeon screamed in a low pitch voice and Dahyun can’t help but keep her girlfriend mouth to shut with her hands.

“Ssshh babe, I’m recording here! Don’t make any noise or they would hear us! Just keep your mouth shut and I will let you go,” Dahyun said, giving a deathly stare and let go of her girlfriends mouth to be free. Nayeon just begin to protest again when Tzuyu interrupted them, “Uhh guys, they are gone. They have.. move inside”.

Mina see it. She witnessed all the scenes folded in front of them. She saw how the couple start kissing again, hungrily, moving quickly inside, impatiently closing the door in front them. She doesn’t need to know what happens next behind the door.

____________________

Sana wake up with a really good feeling. Words can’t even describe what her feels right now. She had sex last night with Jeongyeon. It was her first time honestly, and Jeongyeon being her first was memorable, amazing. She is more than willing to let her take it. Sana never imagined to sleep with Jeongyeon at all, but last night was really an amazing experience she had ever had. Her confession led her to this bed, with Jeongyeon’s body on top of her the whole night, caressing her body, and traces and leaving some marks on her skin. She doesn’t know that making love would feel this good, especially with someone she had love for a long time. The feeling she kept inside just pour out altogether, mixing with the lust that move her body naturally trapped in Jeongyeon’s care, following her movement and pace, feeling her skin, tracing each line and claiming her fully in the name of love. 

There’s no regret to give Jeongyeon her virginity, instead, she wants to do it again, more and more. She can’t have enough of Jeongyeon skin pressed against her body, can’t have enough of Jeongyeon’s lips, tasting the bitterness of coffee she had. She’s drunk of love. Seeing how Jeongyeon react last night when she told her it was her first, it’s funny. She remembers the shocked face and how thoughtful Jeongyeon was, asking is she really want to continue their hot session. 

Jeongyeon give her the time to think, and when she’s ready, she spoiled her so much on her first time. She started from kissing her forehead, her eyes, down through her nose and cheeks, and finally kissing her lips again. She’s claiming her body slowly, trailing her bare skin with kisses. She led her, guide her step by step until she reached the top a couple of times. She can’t remember it well, she lost count on her third, too high, too full on the bursting sensation. She rides to the top, see the stars and slowly coming down from the high and fall asleep shortly, having no more energy left.

It’s still early, Sana knows. The sun hasn’t even up yet, the darkness still covering the sky. Looking through the curtain in the room, no lights seems to come in. She’s tired, feel the soreness down through her body. Stretching a bit, flipping her body to the side, she wants to see Jengyeon's sleepy face and spend the remaining hours cuddling with Jeongyeon before morning comes and get back to work. But no- Jeongyeon is not there beside here. There’s no body lying there, what Sana gets was an empty bed. No sigh of her love sleeping beside her. 

_Where did Jeongyeon go?_

Maybe she went to the washroom, Sana thinks. She waits for a while but still no sign of Jeongyeon to comeback. Afraid something bad happens, she gets up to pick up her clothes that lying on the floor and wearing it hastily to find Jeongyeon. 

Jeongyeon is sipping her black coffee while standing outside in her balcony. She’s in deep thought when suddenly a pair of arms hugging her waist from behind. She can feel the warm body transmitted the heat to her now cold skin- the result from spending hours in the balcony. Sana’s warm breath on her back slowly replacing the colds air she felt the past few hours. It’s still dawns, the moon still can be seen up the dark sky. It's her favourite time during the day, the part where she could smells the morning air, feeling the coldness, just like her heart.

“What are you doing here, hmm?” Sana’s voice softly calls her. Hearing her voice send a shiver down to Jeongyeon's body, feeling the chilly air seeping back.

Jeongyeon is still unfamiliar with the company she's having right now. She used to spend the time alone, thinking a lot of thing by herself, but now that she has Sana as her girlfriend, things will be different and she has to try to change the habit. Loosen up the arms on her waist, Jeongyeon turning her body to put down the coffee she is holding and engulfing the girl in a tighter hug. Inhaling Sana’s scent, she closes her eyes and save it in her memory, reminding herself this is the scent she should be accustomed to. Shoving the thought of someone else that flash on suddenly, on the back of her mind.

____________________________

Their relationship was perfect, or that what was it seems to be. On the first 3 months, they learning to understand each other better, put an effort to become a good girlfriend. Sana would surprise Jeongyeon by waiting outside her shop at night, wait for Jeongyeon to finish her work. Sometimes they would spend the night just having dinner together, and Jeongyeon would walk Sana’s home, kissed her goodnight and text her girlfriend that she’s arrived home safely.

The other times they would just cuddling through the nights watching movie, take turns between each other place. Jeongyeon would show up on Sana’s office to pick up her girlfriend for lunch, remind her to take break in a while, checking up on her girlfriend if she needs anything- where in fact, Jeongyeon’s present is the only thing Sana was craving for.

Seasons changed and the burning fire in their love begins to die down. The flower withered as fast as it blossoms on the start of their relationship. Jeongyeon begins to act cold, Sana seems to get jealous easily. They start fighting, blaming each other for being busy, the jealousy in Sana with Jeongyeon’s staff or customer, and the less time they could spare for meeting each other. They resolve the problems, with Sana ended up living in Jeongyeon’s apartment so they could spend their time together after work, avoiding any misunderstanding that could arise if they keep on being apart.

A little over a year, the pair already become sick and tired of their unhealthy relationship. Both Jeongyeon and Sana was having more than enough of their repeating circles. They would start hurting, eating each other out; Jeongyeon’s not paying enough attention, Sana reckless and selfishness; Sana would accuse Jeongyeon for cheating, and Jeongyeon got angry because of Sana’s behavior. They would not talk for hours, one would walk away slamming the door, the other just give cold shoulder. By the night they would make up, apologized to each other, kissed and cuddle up to sleep or ended up having sex to fulfill their lust. It keeps repeating again and again, until the fire burned down completely.

Sana said it on the night after their last fight, clearly in front of Jeongyeon face. She cried in the corner of the room, both hand clenching the bed sheets till it crumpled up messily. Her heart clenched, hurt, felt it bled the more time she hanging onto Jeongyeon. Sana stands up slowly, walk outside to Jeongyeon who was sitting quietly, staring blankly in front of the empty wall. For a brief moment she just standing there, looking at Jeongyeon’s lonely figure, and her tears just fall again, stained her already wet face.

Sana takes her steps slowly, unwanted to startled Jeongyeon. Finally standing in front of her girlfriend, the unbearable pain in her chest start to burst out. Sana cries again, begging with both knees on the floor.

Jeongyeon keeps silenced with both of her eyes closed, can’t bear to look at Sana in the face. The moment Sana hold Jeongyeon’s hand, tightly, the memories of them being in love just flash out altogether makes it even worse for Sana to handle it. Jeongyeon begins to cry, her body start trembling because of the pain. She knows what will come after this. She knew exactly what Sana wants to say, and it pains her so much to know.

“I can’t keep up with this anymore. I’m sorry Jeong, I’m really sorry. I love you, I will always be, but I don’t think we should keep doing this, we can’t keep hurting each other like this..” Sana cries out loud, but try her best to keep up the word.

“I don’t wanna try anymore. I give up Jeong. I wish I could say I don’t love you anymore, I really wish I could. I tried it so many times but failed instantly every time I look into your eyes. I just- I can’t, I won’t anymore..” She paused, takes her breath. “Let’s... Let’s breakup Jeong, Let’s breakups for real this time. Let’s end it all here,” Sana said with all her might, let go of Jeongyeon’s hands and walk out the door, leaving Jeongyeon alone, crying out loud in the dark room.

The news of their sudden breakups shocked the group and affecting their friendship. Their get together on weekend changed. Their friends would unintentionally bring up the other name while one of them presence, turning the atmosphere awkward in a sudden. The first week after Sana and Jeongyeon’s split, Jeongyeon’s absent. On the second and third it was Sana, and then for the following week both of them just gone with the wind, unbeknown of their whereabout.

By the end of the month, they decided to stop meeting in a group for a while and opt to meet in private. They can’t risk of losing Sana and Jeongyeon, for the sake of their long-time friendship.

________________________________

The night Mina witnessed Sana’s confession, her heart just broke into pieces. It’s so stupid of her to agree on watching her friends, her love, officially together. The tears she tried to hold from before just burst out as soon as she steps inside her apartment, closing the door behind. The tears just pouring down from her face, leave wet marks on her clothes. She keeps crying, letting out all the emotion inside her heart.

Her love for Jeongyeon, all this year, is not small. She loves Jeongyeon as much as Sana does, or even more. She tried to forget Jeongyeon, thought they would not meet each other again after the graduation. She tried her best to accept the fate that Jeongyeon is a friend that would never ended up with her, a friend that will never be hers. She tried to act like a normal friend to Jeongyeon, but the heart keep on betrays her. The feelings keep growing and growing and even though Mina tried to push those feelings away; she dated a few times, think it would erase the thought of Jeongyeon and the love she has, but, it fails miserably in the end.

Jeongyeon has taken a big part in her heart that’s hard to be replaced by someone else. No matter how hard Mina tried to push Jeongyeon away from her head, it won’t go. When Mina dated all her exes, the image of Jeongyeon would always play in her mind. Mina felt uneasy every time someone try to approach her, ask her on a date, properly asking her to be their girlfriend. The memory of Jeongyeon just stay in her head all the time, rounding and rounding, ghosting her day. 

She had tried very best on her past relationship to made it work, thinking it would help on forgetting Jeongyeon and finally feeling the love she never had. But, the times Mina holding, hugging someone else and kissed her exes; the flash of Jeongyeon would appear straight away. As if Jeongyeon was there, looking at her. Mina was taking her exes for granted. She felt really sorry for all of them; she hurts them because her love was, and only for one person, Yoo Jeongyeon, until now. Even Jeongyeon is now with someone else, she stills love Jeongyeon. She will always be.

She still met Jeongyeon on her café, took her coffee with Jihyo, but lesser than before. She can’t avoid Jeongyeon completely, she is still her friend. She would put a fake smile, greeting Jeongyeon in the morning, talk for a bit and then back to work her asses off; focused on getting her work done, the only time she can stop her mind from Jeongyeon. 

When the weekend comes, the only time for the group to meet up, Mina would find herself back to square one. She tried hard not to look at Jeongyeon's direction, tried to not stealing a glanced, but failed. Every chance she had, she would instantly look at Jeongyeon’s side, but turns her head away quickly when Jeongyeon looks back at her direction. Sometimes Mina could feel that Jeongyeon was looking back at her, but maybe it’s just the illusion in her eyes, playing with her mind.

It’s so wrong of her to do that, even in front of Sana. They really look good as a couple and it pains her every time to see how the acted with each other, like a perfect couple; Jeongyeon seemed to care a lot about Sana. Sana would always leaned on Jeongyeon's shoulder, they would stared at each other lovingly, always hold hand, and much more, even Nayeon and Dahyun was jealous of them, seeing how they treat each other, the vibe the couple gave off, passionate and lovely.

Every week witnessed those scenes really broke Mina’s heart. She dealt with the pain alone by herself, without anyone knows. Her love for Jeongyeon is so pure, to the point Mina is afraid everything will change if she told Jeongyeon everything. No one has to know about it, Mina promised to herself. She kept her secret tightly in her heart, afraid if someone knew- if Jeongyeon knew, their friendship would fall apart. 

They say time would heal, but for Mina, the love she had just growing more and more, day after day. The more she tried to drink, cry to sleep, not care about Jeongyeon, the more pain she felt in her heart. It’s impossible to get out from this deepest shit of love she had for Jeongyeon. She keeps remind herself, Jeongyeon is now belong to Sana, there’s no chance for her, she has lost the battle, even from the start.

For months Mina just keeping her love in grief. Jeongyeon is alive, but the chance for Mina to show Jeongyeon the love has had died. She had spent her days drinking alone at home, drowning herself with beer, vodka and whiskey; in hope she could forget Jeongyeon and her unrequited love. She cried, laughing at how miserably she was, how stupid of her to be blindsided by this kind of love. She watched movies, a very funny movie according to her friends, spent a little over 20 minutes before finding herself crying again for thinking about Jeongyeon. 

She longed for Jeongyeon, someone else girlfriend. The sorrowful in her eyes just won’t left, no matter how hard she tried. Everytime her friends asked, she would just reply with a sad smile, saying it’s work that caused the stress and unability to sleep during the night, when in reality it’s just Mina that try her best to run away from her life she used to be, the life before Jeongyeon popped back in town. Mina wish to never met Jeongyeon, wished she could turn back the time and not having this feeling, she wished.

For every night in her drunken state, Mina would wonder to herself, "Can I hold on for another night?"

Mina knows she looks like shit every time looking at herself in the mirror. She would talk, blamed herself for being stupid, fooling herself that everything will be okay. Someday, someday happiness will come to her, she reminds herself. And then come the day, the news of Sana and Jeongyeon breaks up.

The first one to heard it was Momo. She found Sana lifelessly in the room, after Sana called her late at night, asking Momo to come at her apartment. Sana was crying in her sleep, dreaming about Jeongyeon, unable to let her go. Momo deliver the news, with Jeongyeon keep silence through the week, not wanted to clarifying anything Momo has said. When they met at the end of the week, Sana really looks like shit. Jeongyeon’s not coming, said she have _urgent_ things to do; all of them know the truth, Jeongyeon is trying to avoid Sana. They take turns for the following week and it completely makes the situation awkward for the rest of the group. Mina feels bad for both of them, she knows how it feels to be a broken heart, she wants to help her friends to go through it, so she tried.

Mina came to Sana’s place to support the girl. She saw how broken Sana was, saw her in the lowest state, saw the sadness in Sana’s eyes. She spend most of her free time to support Sana through _the phase_ , in hope to ease the pain in Sana’s chest. She helped Sana to heal through the time, be there when she cried loudly in her sleep, be by her side when the dream of Jeongyeon come again, calming Sana’s down when the girl screaming for Jeongyeon, lulling her to sleep after got tired of letting out her emotion. 

Mina can see that Sana really love Jeongyeon, but they just were not meant to be.

Couple of months passed, Sana has gotten better to accept the break up; she can smile loosely on Mina’s lame jokes, start hanging out again with the others, resuming her works that has been laid out since the day Jeongyeon and her part ways. There’s still a little sadness in Sana’s eyes every time Jeongyeon’s name slip up from her friends mouth, but she manage to go through it with a smile on her face. She still loves Jeongyeon, even though they are not together anymore. 

_“I will always love Jeongyeon, no matter what happened in the past between us”_ Sana said, reassured her friends.

It’s also been months since they last saw Jeongyeon. the last time they heard, Jeongyeon has gone back overseas to managed the business she had with her partner. Jeongyeon didn’t say she will comeback, but Mina is so sure that she will be. She has been to Jeongyeon’s apartment couple of times, not finding Jeongyeon there but all her belongings were still there.

Mina believes Jeongyeon just takes her time to heal from her failed relationship with Sana. Mina waits, checking on Jeongyeon’s apartment, visiting from time to time for Jeongyeon to comeback. She was praying for Jeongyeon returns. Until one day, her wish is coming true.

Mina sees Jeongyeon again. She saw the girl opening her apartment door after a while. Mina did not go straightly to meet Jeongyeon, instead, she went home, give herself a break, time to prepare, waits again for a couple of days before knocking on Jeongyeon’s door.

Today Mina is going to confront Jeongyeon. She’s going to confess to Jeongyeon about her feelings, and would not back away, making the same mistake twice. She is now standing outside, in front of Jeongyeon’s apartment door. Keeping her heart beats steady, she knocked on the door. A few moments passed before the door flung open, revealing Jeongyeon with a shocked face, not expecting to meet Mina in her current state. Mina could see that Jeongyeon also had been go through a hard time, despite not met her for months.

There’s still a glint of sadness in Jeongyeon’s eyes, the way she avoided Mina gaze that piercing straightly to the back of her head. 

Jeongyeon was hurt too, she still is. Mina can feel her hearts aching by the sight of it.

“Mina? What are you doing here?” Jeongyeon said after a moment, returning her gaze back to Mina who is standing in front of her.

Sana’s words keep repeating in her head, telling Mina that now is the time for both of them. She can’t back away, not when the chance is right in front of her. She’s ready. “I come here to say something to you,” Mina said with a serious tone. Jeongyeon feels uneasy with Mina, why the girl showed up suddenly in front of her door and telling her she has something to said. Jeongyeon just lowered her gaze to the white floor, unwanted to face Mina in the meantime.

Sensing the passiveness in Jeongyeon’s effort to look at her, Mina slowly bringing her right hand, turns Jeongyeon to face her. She stares softly into Jeongyeon’s eyes, waits for a second before whispering, “I love you Jeongyeon. I have always been, since then and now.” 

A moment of silence exchanged between both of them. Another few seconds passed, Mina still waits for Jeongyeon to say something.

Jeongyeon take off Mina’s hand from her face, slowly shaking her head. Tears formed in her eyes, begins to fall down anytime soon. She keeps shaking, turning her back from Mina, bringing her head to the look at the ceiling, holding the tears that almost drop out at the corner of her eyes. Jeongyeon failed, because the moment she turns her back to look at Mina, the tears just streaming down quickly wetting her face. >/p>

Jeongyeon sees Mina, who’s not tearing her gaze away even for a second, staring back with sad eyes, asking for Jeongyeon to form some words.

“I can’t accept your love, Mina. I’m sorry.” Jeongyeon finally said out, although stuttered on her words in the process.

“No one can love me, not even you, Mina.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left and it will be on Jeongyeon's POV.


	4. The Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **  
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> “Love,**  
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> **Not righteous words,**  
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> **Can change people’s lives.”**  
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> ****  
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> **(The things you can only see when you slow down)**  
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> _____________________________________

I was just 4 years old when the trauma starts to ghosting my life. It affects me up ‘till now, build the person I am today. And I could never forget it, for the rest of my life.

The nights of the fights, I saw everything. I saw how my mom and dad start bickering, spat out each other mistake through their marriage, how their voice began to raise, blaming on each other and ended up with my dad’s left a trace of visible red colour on my mom’s right cheek. I could hear the clock ticked every second, and the silence that follows after the action. The end of the family, the start of every bad things happens after.

I knew the harsh words they exchanged to hurt each other, saw what they did to each other. But I kept silenced, closing my mouth tightly, never even once told anyone. The pain stayed within me, in my memory, and become a scar they would never fades away.

They divorced. I was standing blankly, in the middle of living room, when the words being sad for the first time in my life. I don’t have any clue what it is, and no one even told me what it was. The only thing I knew was, my mom suddenly gone, leaving me with my brother in the house. My father still went to work in the morning until night time, and we got frozen food to be feed, to be entertain, to be- Cared.

My mom eventually back one day, months after she left. She picked me up at school and bought me some lunch, knowing I was starving with little money to be spend. My family wasn’t poor, my dad works hard since his teenage years to save up enough money to build a family of 4. But for some reason, he was especially hard with me, restricted me on a lot of things and gave me little change to be spoiled- unlike my brother who got, has everything he wanted.

That day she came to fetch me, took me in her care for the day. I was so happy to meet my mom, even though not much word was being spoken. I ate my lunch in joy, bringing my feet to the front and back, swinging it in a cheerful way. I can see how much love she put when I stared back at those two almost black eyes, knew very well she was looking at me the entire time I try to finish the meal. When we walked the way home, she didn’t spoke a word beside holding my hands tightly when we have to cross the street, only loosen it a little bit when the road ahead is clear, just a few blocks before we reached the alley.

Finally arrived, I thought she would step inside the house with me when she suddenly pulled out her hand, releasing our hold and whispered to me in a low voice, barely can be heard if I didn’t stare at her closely, _“It’s your birthday tomorrow. Mom will hold a party for you to celebrate,”_ she smiles at me while patting my head. _“Mom will make a beautiful birthday cake and cook for your friends. Just prepare yourself, behave yourself at home, sleep tight and mom will pick you up in the morning, okay?”_ And then she pushed me in, closing the door and walk away from my sight. 

She did come back the next day and bring me and my brother to a smaller house where I guessed was her new home. She cooked a lot of food that usually served on a birthday party, especially one kind of food that have to be served based on our tradition. She really did work hard, putting a lot of effort to celebrate my birthday, despite her basic skills in cooking. My mom was bad at those, the only thing I knew she good at was in pastry, and she was really proud of it every time we finish the snack and dessert she made. 

She was already done in preparing and setting up everything for the party, before the rain poured heavily and big thunderstorm follow up, take over the sky, just an hour before the set time. It goes on for hours non-stop, mom made some call and said that it’s impossible for my friends to come anymore, seeing how bad the weather is. I was sad, disappointed with my friends, why they didn’t come. And in the end, we just celebrate it together; my mom, my brother, and I.

I still remember that day clearly, the effort she put on serving that specific kind of food, the memory we build, the taste, the one that grew up become my comfort food. I remember standing near the window, watching her back slowly fading away after sending me and my brother home. The last time ever I saw her in my life.

And not long after that, my mom gone completely. She’s gone, like the wind. Coming without notice, and then left so sudden, leaving coldness in the body, and eventually, my heart. And that day, I decided. I would hate my mom, for the rest of my life.

I grew up healthily with a good body, but not in mind. I never spoke much at home, especially towards my dad. I tried to made him proud of all the things I achieved, but he never said anything- not even a word. All the efforts I put to made him praise me, care for me, see me with a love or pride eyes or even a small smile, was in fact- none. I didn’t even get a single pat in the head or my back until the end of my high school. The rule he set out for me just made me act colder day after day. I would follow every single thing he said without words, proved him that I could do anything he said or he want me to be, until I found a chance to escape the prison in my life.

I never want to bring my pain, my family issues into my school life. That’s why I decided to change my character, buried the real me inside, and become a bright, happy and prankster Jeongyeon. I’d try to speak more and making friends with a lot of students. I joined the extra hours after school to learn and play variety kind of sports, and choosing Basketball as my passion, following my brother as one of his hobbies.

I may not grow up closely with him, but he is still my brother whom I had respect on. I even enrolled in the same school he went to just because he told my dad it was one of the best in town. I didn’t say anything back then, thought to listened to my only brother, maybe it was the best for them to decide it for me. And turns out, I really like the school, especially the students. 

It’s where I met her, the only girl that I crushed out throughout my teenage years, Myoui Mina.

I met Mina for the first time on the second year in Junior high. I actually didn’t remember the first time I met Mina until she told me, which still not ringed anything to my memory no matter how I tried to think back of it. She told me that we first met through Jihyo, when they exchange their Math notes during lunch breaks. I was walking with Jihyo to meet Mina in her classroom, but maybe I was too distracted with my others friend to notice them talking. When they finished, I went back with Jihyo to our respective class without knowing who was the friend Jihyo is talking to. Not that I care much at the time.

I started notice Mina when she appears as one of the supporters in my game. She just sat there with her friends, not doing much beside talking to her friends about something. It’s just when I was doing warm-ups before the game that I averted my gaze to the supporters, looking for Momo, Jihyo, and Chaeyoung who were sitting in the same row with Mina and her friends. I felt my heart skipped a beat when Mina suddenly turn to look at my direction, flashing a friendly smile to me when I don’t even know her before. It took me few seconds to come back to reality when one of my teammates hit me at the back, directing me to take the ball and start doing lay-ups in relay. 

After the game ends, I saw Jihyo talking with Mina in the school corridor. Usually after the game finished, Momo would treat me- a reward for my hard work. Jihyo and Chaeyoung always tailing behind, never want to miss something free to eat, as it would save their money for others thing. As I walk closer, I could see Momo and Chaeyoung also exchange talks with one of Mina’s friend from before. The girl is pretty from afar, but seeing her closely she’s even more beautiful with her long dark hair tied up in the red ribbon on her back. Sensing my arrival, they stopped talking and look at me with a proud smile, congratulates me for winning the game. I took a glance at Mina, who was smiling but too shy to look at me in the face, even I’m just feet away from her.

_“Hey Jeong! Congratulations on winning your game, you’re amazing, as always!”_ Jihyo greet me with her big grin, flashing her white teeth. Momo and Chaeyoung also flashing their smile, give me Top signs with both of their hands. 

_“Our MVP is here, shall we go now, momoring? I’ve been starving in the last 3 hours, I even used up my energy to cheer for Jeongyeon! I need food to grow up..”_ Chaeyoung said in a begging tone, which brings laughter for the people around us. We were just about to step away before Jihyo suddenly stopping us, reminded of something.

_“Wait, wait. Hold on. I haven’t introduced you guys, sorry. Jeong this is Tzuyu, and this is Mina, the girl that I exchange notes the other day, do you remember?”_ Jihyo said, gesturing me to pulled out my hands to them. 

_“Uh, hi. I’m Jeongyeon, Yoo Jeongyeon. Nice to meet you”_.

_“Hi, my name is Chou Tzuyu. Nice to meet you. It’s a good game by the way,”_ She said while shaking our hand. I give her my best smile and turned to face Mina.

_“I’m Mina, Myoui Mina. Nice to meet you too,”_ she said, accepting my handshake. 

Mina's hand is cold, but at the same time feels warm on my grip. I don’t know how to explain it but, I think I was crushing on Mina in that instant. Especially when she gave me those gummy smiles of hers, every time she laughs off my lame jokes that my friends never think it’s funny at all. 

We eventually become friends after that. They would come to support me every time I had a game. They’ve become my source of strengths, which I was really grateful off. They care for me more than my family, and it hurts me every time I think of it. Mostly I would just shrug it off, think that it just a waste of time to ask my family to watch me playing, even just once.

They filled the emptiness in my heart and began to become my source of energy to play, to smile, to live.

My relationship with Mina starts off a bit strange. It’s pure out of boredom at first then it becomes habit for us to text each other day and night during our free time. We could chat for hours but somehow it becomes strange and awkward to talk with each other in person. No matter how many times our friends set us up to talk- just the two us, it never works. It keeps going until we enrolled in the Senior high.

All of us decided to enrolled in the same place for our Senior high. Although I was offered scholarship from other school, I choose to go to the same school with them because they are the only friends that I feel comfortable with. I have a lot of friends but somehow, I can’t find myself to hang out too long with others than them. In this school I met Sana, who were happen to be my classmate for 3 straight years. 

Sana is pretty, have a bubbly personality, and clever. She’s genius to be honest, consistent to be in top 3 in our batch. We get along pretty well so I introduced her to my friends and they seem happy to had another friend joined the groups. I’m not sure since when or who started it first, but me and Mina actually talking with each other like normal person without the awkwardness like we were used to. I’m still crushing hard on her without anyone knew, and I didn’t plan to say it to anyone, afraid It would risk our friendship if turned out Mina doesn’t like me back and breaking our friendship in the process. 

Our friendship blossoms into something more than just normal friends, it’s like we are a family from different parents. We cherished the friendship very well between us, until the graduation day come. Until me, back to myself. Back to square one.

Since my dad suddenly married to a young woman, just couple of years older than my brother, I’ve had despised him more than before. At first, I just felt disappointed because he was not act like a real dad for me. As the time goes and because of the sudden marriage, without saying anything, without notice, nothing, he married someone else, I feel rage build up in me. I understand that he has been single for a long time, but marry someone so suddenly? I was literally angry for that time thinking that he was replacing my mom. I hate them so much that I can’t even see them face, I packed up some of my clothes and running away.

I tried to go to my uncle’s home, the only person that still care for me in the family beside my grandparents that live far away, but he was out of city when I called, said to be back the next morning. I can’t think of anyone else and called Sana, ask if I could stay the night. I ended up told Sana about the marriage but she didn’t pressure me to explain in detail and let me sleep with her in the room. The next day I thanked her family for let me stay for the night and I back to my uncle’s house and he didn’t shocked at all to see me carrying my clothes, already heard about the news. Since that day, I’ve been living with my uncle until he offered me the chance to study abroad.

He doesn’t have a kid, so he gladly helps me to get out from the mess. I promised him to repay his kindness and work hard to earn money and make him proud. With that in mind, I gathered up all my courage to move on and left everything behind.

I left town as soon as I could after graduation. I left everything behind to start a new life, away from my family. I only told my friends I’ll study overseas weeks before graduation, wanting to become independent and stay away from my dad. They knew that I have been in bad terms with my dad after move away from house, but I never put in details on how bad it was, and they seem to understand it, never question anything after that happen. 

On the graduation day, we reminisced our days together, promise to not shed out a single tear. We end up hugged each other coolly, promise to stay in touch no matter what happened. The last person I hugged was Mina, and I almost confessed to her. There’s just something in her eyes that pulling me, and I thought about it until last minute before I really said my goodbye. There’s no point to tell her how I feel, i thought, because I’m going away in a week. I just buried it deep down, turning my back and walk away, leaving the feelings I had for her untold.

~

I was busying myself balancing study and work as a part timer. I was really lucky to meet Sunmi on my very first job in the town. She was really kind and helped me a lot. She taught me a lot of things, step by step, and even help me find a cheaper place to stay. She’s the only person I felt comfortable to talk and closed with, and honestly it was enough for me. I may hang out with other workers but Sunmi is the only that stay by my side during my hard time in this town.

During my first year I called my grandparents and promise them to visit on the next year. I work harder during summer and winter break to earn enough money, from early morning to late at night just so I could meet them as soon as I could. I miss them so bad, and using every little time I have to called them. It’s one of the reasons why I was always absent in the group chat. I didn’t intend to ignore them but I was too busy and tired to follow them up, wasted all my energy to focus on work. But life was cruel, cruel enough to hurt me again when I just restarting my life.

On the second year, just months before the planned date for me to go home, my grandpa passed away. He was sick for a long time without anyone knew, until it’s already too late to be treated. Grandma was grieving so bad when I called, but she told me not to worry and focused on my life here. She told me to save more money to come visit her next year. I was sad too, but promised her to bring some gifts home and meet her next year.

I was in the middle of my third year when I heard the news from my brother. We still kept in contact although I’ve moved away from the house. He texted me early in the morning to deliver the news- _**“Grandma passed away in her sleep last night”**_. I was literally just opened my eyes, wake up to work on my morning job when the notification popped up on my phone. I was shocked, literally unable to move my body. I was blank for a minute, unable to think of anything. 

"Is it real? Or am I still dreaming?"

I tried to think positive. I called my brother again but no answer. I texted him to call me as soon as possible.

I cried out myself in the shower, pouring out all my emotions at once. _'How the hell my life is like this? Why I have to go through this?'_ I keep crying and blaming myself. I should’ve back sooner, maybe, maybe if I didn’t prolong my flights I could still see my grandma. 

I could still see her face, massage her feet, hold her hands and have tea in the afternoon talking about anything and see her smile for the last time. All possible things that we could have done keeps on playing in my head, with the cold water running through my body. It’s cold, very cold especially it was still 5.30 AM the last time I checked the time. I didn’t care about the coldness because of the pain inside my heart, the pain of losing not one but two of my grandparents, left me with none anymore.

Remembered that I have a job that requires my present, I tried to get out of shower, ready out myself, forget everything for a while and try to be professionals. I did, I work twice harder than I should have, distracted my mind, not letting my head to think about them for even just a few seconds. I even skipped my meal and kept on working, pretend nothing happened until late at night after finished. I kept it hidden to myself for the day, but the pain resurfacing after I finished work. I walked to train station with Sunmi like usual, said our goodbye and part ways to the platform. I was out of my head, felt a bit lost. I need distraction so I ended up bought one box of beer and carried it back home.

I was tired, hungry and sad, but I didn’t care. I keep drowning myself with the alcohol, trying to forget the pain inside my chest that hurt so badly, but it doesn’t go away. I began crying again, cried out, feeling the pain, the loss, the sorrow, grieving myself in the dark. My chest was heavy, I didn’t know what to do except crying between my knees, hiding myself in the corner, while suddenly I felt someone touch, caressing my back so slowly.

Turned out it was Sunmi. She followed me back home, watching me from a far and let me to have my lone time before decided to come in with the spare key she had as it was her apartment before rented it out for me. She stays by my side till late at night, keep on caressing my back without saying anything before urging me to clean myself and head to bed. _"You will be okay, you will be okay Jeong,"_ It’s all she said before wrapping myself in her embrace, hugging me to sleep, close enough for me to feel her breath on my neck and losing myself for the day.

I was broken, felt I have touched the lowest point in my life. I still went to work like usual, doing my job, be professional as much as I could, but left out my study and dropped out from college. I didn’t care about anything else beside earning money, drunk myself to sleep and repeating the same cycle at that moment. I eventually begin to have a one-night stand with couple of girls in the bar until Sunmi caught me of guard one day and drag me out from the place, banned me to go without her supervision from that night on.

She never said anything after that day. I felt bad for not be able to told her first, but she didn’t mind. _Not everything has to be told, sometimes it’s better to keep it by yourself and buried it deep down within you,_ it’s what Sunmi told me one time we went out to drink at a bar. She smiles, holding both of my shoulder, tap it lightly before left a kiss on my right cheek and out of the bar with her boyfriend. I just sat there, saw here walked out, and mouthing thank you in silent.

From that night on, I adding another promise with myself; stay and work hard to helps Sunmi reach her dream of having her own shop. I saved up enough money to help her build her own workplace. I don’t really need the money anyway, as there’s no more person in the world I need the money to give it to. I was gladly giving out all my saving to her, but she refused, said it was acceptable if I become her partner in the business, and then we did it together to be a successful as we are now.

Three days before my flight, Sunmi asked me where I would stay for the current time. I ended up told her about my family- not in details but more than enough for her to know and finally agree to take my money to build the shop, beside being the co-owner. I told her that I don’t plan on live back with my family or burden my uncle again, so she just contacted Jackson- her cousin who happens to live in the same town with me and helped me found an apartment. He had helped me arranged everything in the apartment and bought other couple things even before I arrived in town, which I really appreciated. Without his help, I would not be able to settle well, and when I told Sunmi that I would open a shop here, I did not hesitate at all to give Jackson half of the profit and appointed him as my co-owner with Sunmi’s approval. 

~

The things with Sana, our relationship, it’s not what I intended to be end like this. It was beautiful at first, but turned out to be a mess in the middle. After all this time I thought I could give it a try, I thought I could let myself to open up a bit, to feel love. I like Sana, and I really tried to let her in my life and love her. I tried my best to make it work despite there’s so many things that we didn’t seems to be matched on, I tried hard, and I know she was too.

During my time with her, I was happy for a while and I know she loved me for who I am. I opened up myself little by little, thought that she should know about the real me, for us to make this relationship work. She showed me the kinds of personality that I didn’t knew before, showed me how a couple should trust each other, showed me her love, care and feelings that I never knew before. It’s a whole new world for me, and I even think of spending the rest of my life with her. I’ve met her parents and ask for their permission, I did it seriously, with pure intention to made her happy, to made both of us happy, but just as cliché as it seems, our relationship failed in the end.

I didn’t mind it when she asked me to be a new person, to do the things I dislike, try out something new, put up something different each time she doesn’t felt like it, it doesn’t matter as long as she is happy and satisfied. It seems to work out, or I thought it worked out, until it starts to become a disaster. At first, she tried to settle the problems with my dad, setting up a fancy dinner with his family that I have been avoided ever since I come back town. I told her everything, and I knew what she tried to - fix this broken family. She wants me to made peace with him but I can’t, we can’t. it’s been long far left behind.

She kept on pestering me to meet up with them every week and the longer I hold it, the more hate and rage build up in me. It has broken for a long time, and it’s far, too far to be caught up and fix anymore. I told her I don’t want to do it anymore, I even begged her to not try it anymore- it hurts me a lot and I can’t spend another minute to be on the same room with that family; but she didn’t care at all. Sana didn’t care about my feelings, she didn’t even ask about how I feel every time it happens. Instead, she blames me for ignoring them, not appreciated her effort for the event to happen.

Second is when her jealousy began to takes control of our relationship. The stress and exhaustion from our work is the main trigger of it. Even when I just having a casual conversation with regular customers, talking like usual with my employees, or busy taking care of the shop, she didn’t have it. It’s the start of the holiday season at that time so the work doubled up and I can’t have lunch with her or picked her up for dinner. By the time I back home, I was so tired and exhausted to even call her. I thought she would understand, but no. She began talking nonsense, kept accusing me to have an affair, cheating with another girl without any proof.

By the end of the month she decided to move in with me, thought it’s better for us to have more time to spend after work. I just let her be, because I was tired, tired of keeping up with her accused and I don’t feel like to entertain her more, I was too occupied with my own world, my problems, my work, et cetera. It seems fine for a few weeks before we fought again, we kept on argued, she felt insecure, kept on blamed me for my inattentiveness, coldness, my gesture. She said i don't care about her anymore, not paying attention to herself. I know it’s my fault that I can’t be someone she wants me to be, I have tried but it’s getting harder and harder each time, each day when I think about it. 

I can’t keep on entertaining her when I just don’t understand; _What is Love? How to Love?_ I never knew how to properly do it. It’s getting worsened by day, I guess it’s just my inability to love, because I never really understand the meaning of it, in the first place.

In our last fight, I just really can’t put it up anymore. She had broken my last wall, and I just have more than enough, I’m done. She has gone overboard by given my family- them permission to invade my privacy, invited them to my apartment, take them to my café to meet me often, and I felt disgusted. She knew it very well how I despise them all this time and I thought she has stopped to kept in contact with them, finally let me live with peace. But, what, she just made it even worse by bringing them in front of my face.

I feel disgusted with myself, my surrounding, my life. I began to vomit, unable to processed any food to my system, so often that blood just naturally came out- the evidence of my pain. I’ve become weak, weaker than before because I can’t get any proper sleep. I thought that by having Sana sleeping beside me my insomnia would get better, but it stays the same and sometimes I ended up staring at her sleeping figure until the morning come. The pain resurfaced and I can’t sleep at all as the nightmares from my childhood back to ghosting me, it felt so surreal that it hurts so much to even fallen asleep. It left a big hole in me, and I don’t know anymore.

On the other hand, Sana just turn a blind of eye. She didn’t realize that I, what she did, intentionally or not- slowly kills me.

That day, I took out all of my frustration, the rage, it has been burning inside my heart for a long time. I’ve hit my low, lost my control. All the pent-up feelings- stress, anger, annoyance, disappointment, obsessed and depressed at the same time, I let it out to her. All the things in my head, I take it out to Sana, and it really hit her so hard. She’s unable to mutter any words as she just collapsed instantly, stare blankly at the carpet. She fell on her knees, broke down in the corner of the room, cried so hard, but I couldn’t feel anything at all.

I feel numb all over my body, unable to move from my position and just stand still in front of our bed with Sana beside it. Look at her, I could see the tears that fall down on her beautiful face, I could see the pain that has been pierced inside her heart. I saw how she crumpled the sheet, hold it tightly till her knuckles turned white, body trembling, hiding her face from my sight. The longer I stare into Sana, the harder it feels for me to hold it up. I don’t want to break down in that state with her hurting like that, so I gather up all the excess energy in my body and put strength to both of my feet to walk away, out of her sight.

The sound of the clock ticking is the only thing to be heard. I don’t know how many hours has passed since I left Sana inside, cried out by herself. It’s already dark, and I don’t even bother to turn on the lights, could feel the darkness eating me out slowly. I kept my gaze into the bare wall, not wanted to move or think about anything. I felt lose, faithless, pointless, no intention to do anything or even do I have a meaning in life? I could only hurt the people beside me, I could never repay their love or even look at them in the eyes and told them how they mean so much to me. 

I could feel the breeze seeping through the open window, moving the curtain a little bit and letting the only source of light into the room. The bright moonlight illuminating through, and I could see a glimpse of Sana standing by the door from the cabinet glass. I knew that I can’t keep on avoiding her, we need to finish what we started. It’s just too much, too painful to keep this relationship going. Sooner or later, we need to say the words, and I knew it better than anything that is for the best. I know that this is the end.

Sana finally said it. I heard it clearly, how her voice cracked, how bad her body trembled in our touch. I knew how much pain I’ve caused her, but I can’t take back my words, I was heartless. I knew it’s better for us, that there’s no point on continuing our relationship but, it hurts. It really hurts. I felt like there’s a hole in my heart the moment Sana let go of my hands. I couldn’t look at her in the eyes, I can’t open my eyes, I’m afraid I would break out so I just wait and see her walk away from me.

I’ve let her go, I let go of the love she gives me. I’ve failed the relationship, I’ve failed Sana badly and there’s no turning back. The second I heard the door closed, I can’t stop gripping my shirt, felt a big pang in my chest. I felt like I have been stabbed slowly, bleeding inside. In that very moment, I could feel my world been crushed out to pieces. I have taken her for granted, I was really selfish, and I deserved it.

I don’t have any energy left to face anyone, even my friends. They knew about our breakup sooner than I thought and I just let them be. There’s no point for me to say anything when in fact it is me that is not capable of keeping it. I knew how bad Sana has been affected by the breakup, and I didn’t think it would do anything good if I stayed in town where we could see each other. I can’t risk of meeting her throughout our friends, not when the pain of the heartbreak is still too much to be taken. I don’t want to hurt Sana more than this, so I did what I think would be the best, back to overseas.

~

It’s already been months since I left my apartment. All still good, still the same, thanks to Jackson for his helped to took care of it. I scanned the room, and the memories of Sana still lingered in my mind. I’ve never heard about her anymore since I distanced myself from the groups and changed my contacts. I hope she is Okay. I hope she already passed the heartbreak and heal well. I wanted to call her, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. The only reason I’m back here is to have proper goodbye to them- especially Sana. I want to talk to her for the last time before I gone. It just too much pain for me to stay, there’s no more left for me to hold onto.

I was busy cleaning my stuff before I heard the bell rang. No one knows I’m here except for Jackson, and I’m sure he would have called before coming. I checked the intercom and saw Mina standing alone in front the door. How could she know I’m here? I’m thinking, contemplating for a moment before decided to open the door and see the girl, the person that have been occupied my mind for the longest time I’ve ever known. Never a single day passed without my mind thinking anything about her; her small voice, her gummy smile, her mole that plastered her already beautiful face, her waddle, her soft stare and all the sweet gesture she did towards me. I miss her, so much, and my heart could not handle it at this moment.

“I come here to say something to you,” She said with a serious tone, breaking my thoughts. I was too distracted with my own world when Mina’s touch wakes me up. She placed her right hand on my cheek, and it feels warm. With those two eyes bore into my soul, I could feel my heart beats fast and erratically before she whispers, “I love you Jeongyeon. I have always been, since then and now.”

My heart skipped for a beat, I could feel it. The time suddenly stop, and I don’t know if this is a reality or a dream. Mina, the girl that I’ve liked for the longest time confessed to me.

Should I be happy? Is this what I want to hear? There’s so much going on my mind and I can’t think of a proper word, I feel lose. Something knock on my sense and I just realized that this is wrong. I’ve made up my mind before and that is what I’m doing right now before Mina came. I need to leave, gone forever from this town, never look back, leave everything behind including my precious friends. The memory with Sana here is still fresh, and the last time I accepted her love everything starts to be a disaster. 

I can’t be selfish again to let them love me and give empty hope, I’m heartless, unable to return their love. I can’t even properly take care of myself, let alone give my feelings for them. It’s wrong, it’s so wrong. I have hurt Sana, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else especially Mina.

I was too broken, far too broken to feel loved. I’m always a cold person, and the coldness has failed my relationship with everyone I knew. Everything that happened with Sana just bring out more fear in me of losing precious people in my life. I’m afraid, way too afraid that I would hurt Mina as much as I did to Sana, or even more if I choose to be with her, if I take this chance. If I say that I like her too. No, no, I can’t. It’s better for Mina if I hurt her now than hurt her twice more than this.

The memory with Sana has clouded my mind, and I feel emotionless. I shouldn’t believe what Mina has just said. Maybe she just out of her mind, she just pitied me after Sana left. I shouldn’t believe on someone. Love is bullshit, I’ve tasted it couple of times. My mom, my dad, my brother, grandpa and grandma, they all left me alone, they build me for who I am today. I was and will always be alone, no matter what- loneliness is the only thing I should feel. I shouldn’t, I would not let Mina break my wall.

“I can’t accept your love, Mina. I’m sorry.” I try my best, though stuttered on my own words.

“No one can love me, not even you, Mina.”

And I back out from her sight, slamming the door as hard as possible.

\---------

The door slammed hard. Mina know it will never be easy, especially with Jeongyeon.

Mina has expected this kind of situation, and it’s okay, she did not mind. She would not blame Jeongyeon for reacting like that after confessing so suddenly like that. But she is not Sana, she would not back away easily. She has already given Jeongyeon a lot of time, more than enough to recuperate. It was messy, everything including how the rest of the groups handled the situation. The moment Jeongyeon just cut them away without any words, they felt disheartened and upset, why Jeongyeon just did them dirty like that. Just what in the hell in Jeongyeon’s mind to left them without traces, considering how many years the friendship has been going. 

They were mad, irritated, but eventually realize it was just Jeongyeon, the only person in the group that was hard, never easy to be dealt with, never openly talk about her condition. The only thing they can do just wait, wait for Jeongyeon to come back, with or without any words of explanation. She is still part of them, Jeongyeon will always be welcomed, anytime. 

Mina knew Jeongyeon could hear her clearly from inside. She was not the same person she used to be, and she will fight for her love for this time. 

“I know you could hear me, I know Jeong. I just want to let you know that I’m not Sana, I would not go away easily. You should be ready, prepared yourself from now on because, I, I would let you realized how much I cared for you Jeong. I would show you how to love, how to feel love.”

Mina waits for another minutes. She would not walk away, not until Jeongyeon say a word. She can hear the door handle being pulled slowly and revealing Jeongyeon, face dried with tears, stare directly to her eyes. Her face drawing no emotions. “Don’t you try Mina. I would not let you, we both know how it would end. You can’t keep on with me, so don’t ever.”

Mina smiled softly back to Jeongyeon. She is ready. “Then I dare you try me Jeong. Try me.”

And she left, leaving Jeongyeon hanging on the words.

\------

Mina was not joking when she said to Jeongyeon to try her. She keeps showing on to Jeongyeon face, with or without her liking. Mina did not push her though, just talking to her like usual but constantly remind Jeongyeon that she will stay by her side no matter what. She would come to café in morning, take her usual and leave, back for lunch leaving Jeongyeon something to eat, and come to her apartment late at night to drop some foods she herself has cooked, said her good night and leave again shortly. It goes on like that for more than five months and ultimately, without realizing it Jeongyeon has become used to it that she would wait for Mina to show up in front of her face. 

Jeongyeon would constantly check out her watch and wait for Mina to come. She never said anything much to Mina except mumbling thank you and provide a pleasant smile for what she has done. Mina never pushed her to say something so personal, sometimes they would talk for a while catching up on to current topics but mostly just surrounded by the comfortable silence between them and Jeongyeon felt grateful for it.

Ever since Mina try to enter Jeongyeon’s broken life, she never pushed Jeongyeon to do something or demand a payback for the things she did. She did it diligently, carefully placing her steps not wanted to scared the hell out of Jeongyeon, afraid Jeongyeon will shoved her out if she was too rush. She believes it would take time for Jeongyeon to return the affections that Mina has given to her and it’s okay. Everything for Jeongyeon is okay.

Jeongyeon became so accustomed with Mina’s present that she doesn’t feel so lonely like before, even when she was still with Sana. All her plan has backfired because of Mina, she has to settle back in town, back to her friends, and face her fear- her family.

One day, her dad’s suddenly show up, alone, in front of her apartment at night. Jeongyeon just finished her shower when the bell rings. Didn’t expect the man in front of her, Jeongyeon is a little taken a back and wants to shut the door as soon as possible when her dad holds it, put his feet in between, prevent Jeongyeon to close the door. “We need to talk, right now,” he commands. His tone is clear, and there’s no way for Jeongyeon to escape, so she just agreed to it.

Her dad drives them to a restaurant that located a bit far away from city. Only silence was shared between them through the way. After placing their order, her dad breaks the silence first, “I want you go back to home. I’ll give you a week to sell the apartment and move your things, I don’t care you like it or not. Back. Home.” He said in a demand tone. Surprised, Jeongyeon was not expecting her dad to ask her, no, ordering her like this.

After all these years, he is still the same, never ever cared for what Jeongyeon feels, at all. "Does she have a say to this?" Her dad has made it clear in his sentences. It such a waste for Jeongyeon to be angry, let out her emotions against him, so she just laughed it off. 

Her father looks at Jeongyeon with a frown, confused, what’s so funny that makes his daughter laugh like that. Before he could utter another word, Jeongyeon beats first, “It’s really funny, you know. I always follow your order, did all the things you wanted me to do, stupidly agreed on everything you said. But what I got? Nothing. Hahaha, I’m laughing at my stupidity right now,” She paused, shaking her head and walking closely to her dad.

“Tell me honestly, all this time, do you ever think about me, as your child? Just for a sec, did you ever realized what have you done to me? Did you ever care about what I felt, since, I don’t know, forever? I’m not the same person you can ordered around like before, I’ve grown up. I feel disgusted having your blood in my system, I hate myself! I hate my life and YOU have built the hatred in me, makes me who I am today! I don’t care about you or your family, you can have your happily ever after story without me and I will gladly be disappeared from your perfect family life- “

Jeongyeon can feel the blood slipped out from the edge of her mouth. He slaps her hard before she could even finish the word. It feels great for Jeongyeon to finally feel her dad’s touch. She hoped for a gentle touch, not a hard slap like this but it’s okay, her hope has long gone and the person standing in front of her is already a stranger for her. Her family already died, left her alone in this world. It doesn’t make any different if her dad suddenly asked her to back home, a place she never even considered home ever since her mom left. Jeongyeon is done, having enough to waste her time dealing with a stranger she called Dad.

“Is this the rewards for me? Thank you very much, Sir. I really appreciate it. Though I can’t remember the last time you ever lay a finger, touch me, feel proud of me. It makes me realized more that YOU, are nothing than a stranger for me. I’m done here, I’m done with you, and don’t you ever dare to show up in front of my face again or I will press a charge to police. I mean what I say and I really hope this is the last conversation we ever had with each other!”

Jeongyeon walked away, could feel the burden in her chest been lift up. She finally said the things she wants to said to him, the things she felt all this time, her pent-up emotions towards him. There’s still so much left that she wanted to say, but that’s already more than enough for him to hear. There’s no regret, there’s no turning back, and Jeongyeon hopes it’s really the last time she would saw him or his family, ever.

~

Mina is really worried. She has been waiting for Jeongyeon for the past 3 hours in front of her apartment. She has called, texted Jeongyeon but there’s still no reply. The employee that did the closing with Jeongyeon also said she last saw Jeongyeon at the bus stop. Mina is getting cold, she has been standing in the same place for hours but she shrugged it off, more worried about Jeongyeon’s whereabout, why Jeongyeon is not answering any of her calls.

She knows Jeongyeon is not obliged to, she is only a friend to her but the said girl not even back to her apartment yet, all the lights still off. It’s almost midnight, Mina is thinking a lot of bad scenario in her head, the possibility of something bad happen to Jeongyeon, if she got robbed, get kidnapped, or maybe being killed by someone on the way home.. No, she has to stop, she has to think positively. Mina was about to call Jeongyeon again when suddenly a pair of arms hugging her from behind. She was stuck, freezing for a moment before she realized who the person is, it’s the scent of someone she’d waiting for.

Mina lets Jeongyeon hugged her, not saying anything until the girl let her go from the hug. She turned her body and facing Jeongyeon, who is now looking at her with emptiness. She could feel the sadness in it, she wants to know what happen, where did she go, but that can be wait. Jeongyeon need to rest, they need to head inside first.

“You don’t have to say anything for now, I would not ask anything if you don’t feel to. It’s cold here, we should head inside first,” Mina asked the key from Jeongyeon to open the apartment door. Once they’re inside, Mina guide Jeongyeon to sit down in the living room, turn on the heater because she knows Jeongyeon also freezing. That girl is shaking but try to hide it. Mina processed to heat up the food she brings and made a cup of hot chocolate for Jeongyeon.

Mina finds Jeongyeon still in her deep thought when the latter not responding to her call. She slowly sits beside Jeongyeon, put down the glass of the hot chocolate on the table and take a look on Jeongyeon silence figure.

There’s something pulling Mina towards Jeongyeon. There’s like a magnet that pulling her, ask her to let Jeongyeon know that she’s not alone. Gently enough, Mina placing her right hand on Jeongyeon’s arm, her left hand slowly made it way to hold Jeongyeon’s hand that placed on top of her thigh. The touch sends an electric to Jeongyeon, and it did bring her sense back. Regathered herself, Jeongyeon turn to her left and look at Mina, blankly. She then stared at their holding hands, squishing it back and pull Mina into another hug. With Mina beside her, in her touch, Jeongyeon feels alright. Mina is enough for now, more than enough for her.

“You will be okay, Jeong. Don’t worry I’m here, I will not go anywhere,” Mina said while patting Jeongyeon’s back. They keep on hugging for awhile before Mina pull herself a little bit, staring back at Jeongyeon. “Do you feel better now?”, Jeongyeon nodded her head. “Have you had dinner?” Mina ask again, Jeongyeon just shook her head, and pulled Mina in again. “I’m hangry before, but now I’m just hungry, thanks to you,” Jeongyeon finally said.

“Huh? What do you mean?”, Mina ask, not really understanding what Jeongyeon just said to her. Hangry? Hungry?

Jeongyeon chuckles a little bit and release Mina, giving her best lopsided smile. “I was hungry and angry before, like I was starving so bad but too mad to fill my stomach. But it’s okay now, you are here with me. Thanks to your touch, I feel alright, I’ve calmed down, but my stomach doesn’t want to cooperate”. She grins at Mina, one hand behind her neck, brushing the shyness inside after the sounds of her stomach growling inside.

“Wait, how about you? Have you eaten dinner?” It’s become a habit every time Mina comes at night. At first Mina just bringing the food for Jeongyeon to eat, arranged the fridge and shelves with proper food and take her leave, say her goodnight. But Jeongyeon refused to eat alone few weeks after, felt bad to had it herself, and ask Mina to join her. It becomes a routine where Mina would come to cook, prepare the food and ready the dining table while waiting for Jeongyeon to finish everything in her apartment, and have their dinner together.

“No, I’m waiting for you. Besides, I can’t digest anything without knowing where you are or what could possibly happen to you. I was afraid, thought something bad had happened, and I might lose it soon if I didn’t hear from you for the next hour,” Mina answered, her eyes telling Jeongyeon how much worried in it. Guilty covered Jeongyeon, how could she let Mina waited, worried about her. She should remind herself to stop worrying the girl. She deserves some slap from Mina.

After had their dinner and cleaned everything, Mina is already at the door and want to say her good night when Jeongyeon called her first, “Mina, is already late at night, would you like to stay the night? I mean, just stay here, please,” Jeongyeon asked, literally begging. She was too tired to send Mina’s home, and she doesn’t want to be alone tonight. 

“Mina, please?” Jeongyeon said again. Mina just nodded, unable to say no. She can’t lie, she wants to spend the night with Jeongyeon, especially tonight.

They now laying, back facing each other. Jeongyeon feel exhausted, very tired. For someone that is having a hard time to sleep even when the exhaustion ate her up, she feels really sleepy right now. Everything suddenly feels calm, the silentness that surrounded her feels alright, and her eyes can’t open any longer. Meanwhile, Mina can feel her heart beats faster each second passed. She can hear Jeongyeon’s steady breath, indicating that she already fell asleep. She wants to sleep, but her mind just running non-stop thinking of the person that lay beside her.

Hours passed and Mina still awake, unable to rest her mind. She just about to turn her body when Jeongyeon suddenly hugged her from behind, close and tightly. Her heart jumped with the sudden touch, and Mina swear she could hear how fast it beats clearly. She could feel Jeongyeon’s warm breath on her neck, and it sends chills down to her body.

It is bad, she would not be able to sleep at all like this, so she tried to untangle Jeongyeon’s arm and turn around, back a little bit to see Jeongyeon’s face before forcing herself to sleep in the living room. She takes Jeongyeon’s figure closely, see how pure, peaceful, and beautiful it shows when fall asleep. It just slips from her mind when suddenly Jeongyeon trapped her back, bringing their lips together. It’s a gentle touch, and Mina’s battling with herself before closing her eyes and pressing their lips harder, pulling Jeongyeon closer by the neck. 

Mina keeps on kissing the lips until Jeongyeon give in and opens her mouth. Their tempo begins to increase, exploring and savoring each other mouth. They lose control, kissing until out of breath. Keeping their forehead together and slowly open their eyes, they could see the lust that filled in each other the eyes. They still panting, catching more breath while Jeongyeon speak, “Mina, I- "

She couldn’t finish it as Mina lean in for another deep kiss. The girl moved to her top, trapping her body, but Jeongyeon’s quicker. She turned their body around and stopping Mina, pulled away from the kiss. “We need to stop, otherwise, I would hate myself to put you in this situation,” she said while looking deep into Mina’s eyes. They stared at each other until Mina drapped her arms to Jeongyeon’s body, pull the girl back laying with her, “Let’s sleep like this then, please”

At last, they both drift into dreamland with the sound of their heart beats into one.

~

When the morning comes, Mina wake up with the sound of Jeongyeon’s talking on the phone. Still on the bed, she sits up and wait for Jeongyeon to finish the call. 

“Hey, Morning to you. Sorry if I wake you up,” Jeongyeon said, realizing she has wake Mina up from her sleep. 

“Morning to you too. It’s okay, you are not loud, it’s just I’m a light sleeper. It’s something happen?” Mina ask, a bit worried when she saw Jeongyeon frowned face.

“Nah, they just called me from the shop. They thought something bad happened since last night you were worriedly call them ask about my whereabout. And now, actually, for the first time ever, I’m late. Luckily, they know where to got the backup key and open the shop,” Jeongyeon chuckles a bit, walk closer towards Mina and sit beside her on the bed.

She takes Mina hand, open her palms and put the keys in there. “This is my apartment spare key, and I want you to have it. Just come whenever you want, Mina. I don’t want to makes you worried again, and if you wait for me, please wait for me inside, here. Feel free to do anything you want, make this your home too, please.”

Before Mina could say anything, Jeongyeon already walk to the door, opening it. “I’m really running late, I need to go fast. I promise I’ll call you later, okay?” with one last smile, Jeongyeon closing the door, leaving Mina alone.

After that, Mina basically living with Jeongyeon, moving half of her things to Jeongyeon’s apartment. She only went back to her apartment once or twice a week just for keeping it clean. Their friends knew about it, including Sana. They were a bit shocked a first but support everything that the two will choose. They don’t want the things between Jeongyeon and Sana happen again and told them to take it slowly and carefully. Mina understand, she doesn’t want to rush everything with Jeongyeon. On other hand, Jeongyeon has changed a little bit, she had given more attention and cared to Mina. They have become closer and shared countless intimate kiss, but no more than that. Jeongyeon always hold herself even though Mina already hinted several times she was ready, give herself out to Jeongyeon, but they never really did it.

Even after nearly two years, Jeongyeon never said the word. In every kiss they shared, every time they hugged each other closer, Mina always saying I Love You to Jeongyeon, but the girl only hummed, not even saying she liked Mina back. She never pushed Jeongyeon to say the words, the girl just shrugged it off in front of their friends everytime they teased them. Their friends said that the couple just like a Friends with benefit, but Mina know it the best. Jeongyeon is not ready, yet. 

And Mina would wait, she would not go away. She would stay by Jeongyeon’s side, even if it takes forever. Even if Jeongyeon would never said the words to her.


	5. Fallin' All in You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **  
>  _One of the greatest blessings in life is meeting someone we truly admire_   
>  **
> 
> **  
> _That person becomes a beacon of hope, shielding us from cynicism – Haemin Sunim_  
> **  
> 
> 
>   
> _____________________________________ 

It was just like another day, Jeongyeon thought. Wake up with the emptiness feeling both her surrounding and her heart. She was no one. Yes, she used to be popular but no, not anymore. Right now, she just a normal human being that live like a zombie. Live with no actual reason to pursuing any dreams or career, have no point to enjoy life as the day passed. 

Her life was hopeless, clouded with sorrow. Everyone left her alone wondering in this world. She wants to give up, she doesn’t want to face the world. She’s tired of the repeating circle. No one stayed, everyone leaved, and she just hate, hate herself to the point she doesn’t cared about anything anymore. She kept on drinking, fill her stomach with alcohol. She would fill her lungs with smoke, lit up the cigarette every time she got the chance to smoke. Life is cruel, and it would always be, especially to her. She’s so, so miserable, having no one to save her in this life time.

_How fucking great her life is._

_How is she still alive?_

_She’s already feel suffocated from everything, but why the hell she’s still breathing?_

She had been walking, walking and walking, kept on walking through the endless road in front of her. It’s the only sight she could get, surrounded by the tight full clouds from every direction, blocking her view. The air send chills through her spine despite she already felt cold from before, from anything, everything that she could even remember. She walked along the path before finally arrive at an entrance, finding a dark tunnel from afar. There’s no other road, that’s the only way she could pass through. So she run, she run and run until out of breath. Gasping more air, she stopped in her track, hands on her knees. There’s no light at all, and her eyes have to try so hard to adjusted to the darkness, finding courage to continue her walks. She walked again, a bit slower this time, already exhausted.

No matter how far, how long she had walked, there’s no end. The tunnel really has no end. She wants to give up completely, unable to walk further, too tired to walk anymore. She fell on her knees first, then her body followed up. She can’t move, her body felt weak, motionless. She just lay there, lifeless in the dark, and no one would find her. She is just a nobody, wonders alone in a place that she doesn’t even know how she got there.

She counted the time, and every second passed feels like hell. She wants to close her eyes, having no energy left. The darkness would eat her soon, and she would vanish into the thin air, or that what was she thought how she would be. She keeps counting, and by the count of 1355, her vision begins to get blur. She can feel her eyes closing slowly. It almost reached a thin line before she saw a bit of light, with a shadow approaching from the far end, coming to her way. She tried her best to be conscious, tried to scream, but no sounds come out from her mouth.

_Please, please save me._

_Someone, please take me with you, save me from this._

The words she wanted to said just stays hanging at her mouth, she’s unable to say it out loud, let alone made it through the shadow that’s taking too long to approach

She would die hopelessly, she would not made it this time.

“Jeong? Jeongyeon, wake up” She could hear Mina's voice calling. Her voice, It feels so distant yet so close. Opening her eyes slowly, there, It’s the sight of Mina, close to her face. She could only sigh, _It just a dream._

“You have a bad dream again. Is the nightmare too much this time?” Mina sound worried. “I tried so hard to wake you, worried that you would not stop. But I’m glad now you’ve woken up.” Mina reach the bedside table, given Jeongyeon a glass of water that she finished in seconds.

“Sorry if I woke you up Mina,” Jeongyeon said, feeling guilty to interrupt the girl from her sleep.

“It’s okay Jeong, all that matter is you are awake, you are alright. Do you feel better? Want me to made something to ease your thought? Hot chocolate, maybe?” Her eyes, there’s worried in it, Jeongyeon could see it clearly.

She can only look at Mina, sharing the silence between them, before pulling the girl in, bringing their body closer. She inhaled the girl’s scent, buried her face on the crook of Mina’s neck. 

“I’m afraid, Mina. I was really scared. I thought I would die. It felt so real, I thought I would not made it,” Jeongyeon said with tremble voice, almost crying. Mina bringing Jeongyeon’s to her chest, slowly brushing her back, calming the girl.

“It’s okay Jeong, I’m here now. I would always be here. I would not go anywhere, okay?” Mina said in her soft voice, trying to calm Jeongyeon from her bad thoughts. She humming, slowly lulling Jeongyeon back to sleep before following closely after, drifted to the dreamland.

~

It’s still early in the morning, probably 5-ish when I woke up from my dream. Ever since Mina move in to live with me, my insomnia is getting better and better. I could sleep really well, more than 6 hours without woken up in the middle of the night. I feel calm, comfortable, less stressful and more importantly, healed.

Turning my body a little bit, I can see Mina is still in deep sleep. She sleeps peacefully, maybe still having an adventure in the dreamland. She’s so beautiful, really really beautiful. Move closer, I use my right hand to hold my body and stare at her, taking every detail on her face, admiring her feature. I have lost count on how many times I stared at her lovely peaceful face, never felt enough. She looks so lovely, really pretty even with her eyes closed. Her small pointed nose, plump red lips, and her moles. 

How can someone look so beautiful with those moles? It’s like a constellation, scattered on her forehead, the bridge of her nose, up and down her lips, her jaw and near her chin. Pushing back a strand of hair that blocking her eyes, I still can’t believe I get the chance to see someone like her every morning. It’s like I’m looking at an angel sleeping, losing my breath, mesmerized every time I tried to get closer, look at her closely like this.

I’m so lucky to have Mina in my life, and I won’t let her go anymore. 

Because,

I don’t think I can’t live without her.

Sensing my body close to her, she opens her eyes slowly and meeting my gaze. We stared at each other, long enough before I lay myself back and pull Mina closer to me. Feeling each other warmth.

We are cuddling in the living room, watching Doctor Strange after wash up and have our breakfast. I’ve been curious about something. It’s been sitting too long in my mind and I just have the urgent need to know by now. We are in the middle of the movie, shared the comfortable silence. I can’t keep my hands away from touching Mina’s hair, playing it, brushing it softly, before the thought of it come back and I blurted out,

“Thinking back, I still can’t believe you have guts to come that day, found me. I’ve did you wrong, directly kicking you and others out from my life. And I’m really sorry Mina. I still blame myself about everything, thinking on the past, about what I’ve done. But still, where did the courage comes from? I mean, I literally did reject you right there and then. I didn’t give you a chance at all, but still, you’re not back away.”

Mina sit up a little bit, turning her body to look at me with a playful smile. “It’s nothing, I just talked to Sana and happened confess everything. It’s a risky choice, but I won’t have it otherwise,” She then leans back to me, intertwined our hands together. 

**_Flashback_ **

_“I have healed, I think," Closing the book she just read, Sana looks at Mina. “Thanks to you. I’m really glad you helped me through this heartbreak, I wouldn’t take it for granted,” Sana smiled, reassured her._

__

__

“Reading the book helps me a lot, it’s like opening my way of thinking on why my relationship did not work out, with Jeongyeon. I don’t know how many times I’ve read it, it still hits me hard. I’ve realized it now that all this time, it’s me the one that should take the blame.”

Since the news of Sana and Jeongyeon broke up, the weekend gathering has stopped. All their friends can’t manage to bring them up together in one place, knew it would hurt both parties. Sana got hurt a lot, and Mina was trying to be there for her. She saw how Sana cried, fall down on her knees thinking about Jeongyeon. Heard her screaming Jeongyeon’s name, asking what’s went wrong with their love, until she stopped; the pain was too much for her to bear it alone. She saw how broken Sana was when their relationship falls apart, and she tried her best to help Sana on her lowest point, passed the heartbreak. 

It’s not Mina intention to bring up the topic to Sana, one day on the usual visit to her apartment. Thinking of the right time, Mina gathers up her courage to ask. She wants to confess to her friend first, and her answer would be everything. Hearing what Sana told her makes her wonder, if she could take over her position and trying for the last time before completely give up. 

_“I need to tell you something. I know it will be too selfish of me to tell you now, but I can’t help it anymore,” She paused, reading Sana’s expression before the girl nodded, giving her cue to continue._

__

_“I love Jeongyeon. I love her too, Sana. It’s not only you that has been loving her for a long time, despite never see her face for 5 years. It’s not a short time. My crush for her has blossomed into something more dangerous as much as you, but I’m just too coward to admit it in the first place. I’m watching both of you from another side, hurting in the middle but I didn’t show it because it’s not my place to be jealous. I should be happy for you because you two are my friends, that’s what I always believe, putting my feelings aside, hide it from anyone. I thought it’s better for me to bury it deep inside my heart.”_

_“After heard about your breakups, instead of making a move on Jeongyeon, I’m thinking about you. Will you be alright? How will you go through the heartbreak? Is there anyone to stay by your side? I want to help you, healed your wound as what a friend supposed to do. Now that you did, seeing and hearing you said it yourself, I want to get your permission, Sana. You are my friend and I’m respecting our friendship above all. If you say yes, I’d really appreciate it and use this chance to win Jeongyeon’s heart, but even if you say no, I would understand and stop going for her. As much as I love Jeongyeon, I couldn’t risk our friendship. I can’t hurt my friends’ feelings more than this. I don’t want any of you get hurts again. I want you to be okay, even if it cost my happiness in the way.”_

Sana looks at Mina with a stoic face, it’s hard to tell what expression it shows from where she was sitting. For a few seconds she doesn’t say anything and Mina is afraid that Sana would be disappointed, mad at her, or possibly- hate her. She closes her eyes for a while, taking deep breath, prepared herself for the worse thing to happen. When she looks back, Sana was flashing a smile, sincerely, proudly at Mina, at her confession. 

_“Took you long enough to admit it Mina. Honestly, I’ve known about it for so long. I have caught you several times stealing glances to Jeongyeon, even in high school. Others might not know about it, but I did. Your eyes can’t lie, especially when you stare at her with love, gaze at her softly, gave all your attention every time she said something,”_ Sana stands up, walk to Mina’s direction. She placed the book she was holding on to Mina’s lap, returning to its owner. It’s a healing book that Mina lend her to cope up with her heartbreaks- it’s my favorite, Mina once said, and So is Sana now.

_“Page 162, second quotes,” Sana said after, giving Mina a pure, genuine smile._

Feeling the mix of curiosity and confusion together, Mina open the said page from the book. She took a second paused before reading the quotes in silence; 

_“Love means loving someone the way she is.  
Wanting her to be a certain way is not love but your desire.  
Do not attempt to improve someone in the name of love.  
It is improvement only in your eyes, not in hers.  
If something is meant to blossom into a relationship,  
It usually works out without much difficulty.  
If you are the only one putting in effort, then let him go.  
This may relieve the pressure, and motivate him to make effort.  
If not, then it will open up a new path for you.”  
_

  
Mina looks up, finding an answer in Sana’s eyes. She wants her to explain further on what the hint is about. She doesn’t want to have her hope high so fast, so she waits for Sana to speak again. 

_“Since Jeongyeon and I started to date, I tried to shape her into someone I wanted her to be, the perfect girlfriend of my imagination. I thought our relationship would be perfect if I demand her to become someone, change to certain type I think she should be. But during the time, it takes a toll- a lot on her side in the process. I never mind it, didn’t care about her thoughts or listening to her feelings when it happened. I’d just kept asking her to act like this or to give me that and things become a mess and so she become completely different person, not the same Jeongyeon I used to know- or I thought I did.”_

_“The next time we knew, we already begin to hurt each other. We would argued, apologize, made up and back to sleep in the same bed. Sometimes we would just stop talking and ended up cuddle up together till morning, but mostly we ended up having sex to feel satiated. The circle keeps repeating for months until we reach the end point, having enough of the bad, unhealthy relationship we had and just stopped. We stopped, thinking and realized, there’s no point to continue it anymore. Then that’s it, we end it."_

_"The heartbreaks from this breakup, the time for me to heal, makes me think a lot and realized, Jeongyeon is a broken person. I even made it worst by becoming a bad girlfriend, instead of given her the love she actually needs, I keep hurting her more with my desire, the way i acted; I blamed her for everything, always think that I’m the one that get hurt the most, I was the one that always right, and by the time it hits her end, she just gives up. I broke her trust Mina, she genuinely trusted me to enter her life, giving me chance to love her but it turns out to be a disaster, to be her pain and she had hurt, as much I am. I have left a big scar in her heart, I’m the one that failed her, and I’m really regret it now. No matter what I do, I can’t save it, it won’t fix our relationship anymore. We can’t hurt each other more,"_

" _I had to let her go, Mina. I’m letting her free, and I don’t want you to fall in the same hole, made the same mistake as I do.”_

_Sana took Mina's hands, bringing to hers and pleading Mina to look straight into her eyes. “I’m giving you my blessing, Mina. Please, please do love her properly this time, take your chance and give her what she deserved. Takes a break if it’s hard because Jeongyeon is not easy- she was never easy to be dealt with. I’m telling you she is a completely different person once you get closer with her. Bear her coldness and stay by her side, keep her warm. Please, don’t give up on her easily like me, I beg you to try. But in the end if it doesn’t work, if you had enough of her, promise me. Promise me you will stop everything, stop hurting yourself and let her go.”_

  


**_Flashback End._ **

In the span of their time together, they faced a lot of things in the way. From Jeongyeon’s family that came non-stop barging at their apartment late at night and ‘causing scene in the area, or at Jeongyeon’s shop. They even began to torture Mina in her workplace, constantly asked Mina to leave Jeongyeon with force that mostly ended Mina with pain, having red cheeks from a slap on the face, forcing them to be separated from each other. They humiliated Mina in front a lot of people, and Jeongyeon was really angry but Mina always calmed her down, didn’t wanna put them into more trouble. The family continued to forced Jeongyeon, arranged a marriage with some other people she never met, straightly come to her work place to bombarded Jeongyeon with unbelievable things, getting crazier each day Jeongyeon refused to do any of the things they wanted until Jeongyeon finally filed her family with a criminal complaint to police.

At the other hand, Mina also had it hard, a sudden news delivered to her regarding her parents whereabout. The police informed that her parents have passed away from an airplane crashed that left her none, with no more family left. She was too devastated to continue to work and almost give up her life, too clouded with bad thoughts and bad dreams, trapped in grieve. Jeongyeon understand her pain, been through the same thing in the past. She tried her best to help Mina stand up, overcome her loss, never leaves Mina’s side. 

They overcome the obstacles, become the reason to hold on and lean to, backed up and saved each other. They really rely on each other presence, as much as the air needed to breathe.

\-----

Jeongyeon just finish double checked the security system before closing the back door of her shop. She just takes on two-steps away from the closed door before Sana showed up, turn her body around from the walls to greet Jeongyeon. The girl has been waiting for Jeongyeon to finish her work at the front alley for quite some time, in the late nights of fall, with chilly night breeze flowing through her body, freezing her hands, but she did not mind.

“Hey, Jeong. Took you long enough to come out. Something happened?” Sana ask casually, walking towards Jeongyeon direction.

“Oh Hi, Sana. It’s nothing, I just need to count the inventory by myself and did a double check-up on the security system. The alarm was off last time, so I just want to make sure it worked properly before I go.” Jeongyeon answered. It’s been a long time she met Sana, just the two of them, since their break up. The girl just nodded on her explanation, understand about the works matter.

“What are you doing here? Waiting for me, suddenly?” Jeongyeon asked, a bit curious on why Sana suddenly showed up in her shop, especially on this late at night.

Sana flashing her a smile, a soft smile, before answering, “I just miss you. It’s been a long time, since.. the breakup. We met, but we never be able to spent the time, never get the chance, just us together, meet up like this. Don’t you miss me?” 

Jeongyeon gave her a perplexed look. Before she could say anything, Sana beats her again, “Don’t take me wrong, okay? I just mean as a friend. We used to be close, Jeong. I have move on, and I supposed you too?” Sana ask again.

Jeongyeon is a bit taken a back. _‘Has she moved on? Or Did she ever try?’_

They strolled around the area for a while, before following the path that lead them to the nearby park. They walk along with respective distance, still feeling awkward with each other. They keep the pace slow, walking in silence, through the lighting mountain, the beautiful decorative lamps across the bridge before Sana stop her track, opted to end their awkwardness. She leans onto one of the railing, feeling the night breeze blowing, creeping into her skin, with the river and night sky as her best view in the meantime. Jeongyeon follow suit, keeping her elbow on to the rail and bent her back a little.

The chilly air hit her face, but that’s not what makes her shivering. Jeongyeon doesn’t know what to say, she could feel the awkwardness that surrounding them. She looks at Sana on her right, who kept on fidgeting her fingers, thinking on something to say. 

Jeongyeon wanted to break the ice, but she doesn’t know how to open the conversation. Both of them kept contemplating on the right words to say, but failed as their mouth doesn’t seem to be in coordination with their brain. They stayed silent for a couple of more minutes, looking back and forth between the river and the night sky, full of stars, before Sana decided it’s her cue to breaks first.

“How are you, Jeongyeonie?” There’s a paused in her tone, a longing feeling through her words. “I really, really miss you. I do. I miss you- us, so bad. But here I’m, asking, saying as a friend, not your ex, not someone who you dated in the past.” She said, sincerely can be heard in the tone.

Jeongyeon can’t lie. She does miss the girl, the now grown up woman beside her. “I’m okay, I guess. But yeah, I’m good, I think I’m all good, Sana.” Jeongyeon answered, still a little bit awkward. She paused for a sec, decides to play it cool and turns to Sana. “I hope the same goes for you, for the time we’ve been apart. For the pain.. About what has happened between us, our failed relationship.. I did you bad, it was my mistakes and I’m- I’m really sorry, Sana.”

Sana hold her smile, thinking of the memories of them together. It’s sweet and bitter at the same time, and it does really feel like yesterday, all still fresh in the back of her mind. Everything was good between her and Jeongyeon, before their love started to broken, shattered into pieces. No matter how hard she tried, what she does, the missing piece would never come back. She used to miss, thinking about Jeongyeon whenever the night sky shines brightly from the full moon, full of the stars like tonight. 

Sana would imagine her time with Jeongyeon, hugging each other in silence and share the warmth from their body. Except today, they’re not hugging, be in each other hold, not a couple anymore. Jeongyeon is out from her reach, already. The puzzle would remain the same, **_Incomplete_**. She loves Jeongyeon, more than she wants to admit. But Sana had realized it, not in this lifetime.

“Don’t be sorry Jeong, it’s not entirely your fault. All the things happened, where the pain comes, partly it was mine, my fault. We both had try to made it works, but I guess we are not meant for each other in the first place. We pushed it through, but we did not make it last. I was happy, I got my happiness when I was with you, And I hope you were too. Really, thank you Jeong, for letting me in. There’s not a single regret for me to ever tried, and I would always love you, no matter what.” 

Jeongyeon blinked. She's not expecting Sana to say it out loud. Sana had turned to her, eyes glittering, full of unrequited love. She could see the tears that about to drip down from the light brown eyes that Sana owns, if she ever blinks. She was about to say something before Sana cut her, tried her best to stop the tears for falling anytime soon, shaking her head slowly.

“I’m sorry I’ve caused you pain for the time when we were together. We both got hurt, losing ourselves in the middle but I was too selfish too realize and admitted any of my mistakes. I witnessed the pain, the hurt in your eyes, but I was too stubborn and let my ego eat me up. I know I was a fool, I’ve did you bad, and I’ve failed us. But I hope, really hope you could let go of the pain, or at least ease it, Jeong. Cut yourself some slack and try again, will you? I want you to open up yourself, give Mina the chance to love you. She had been tried her best, gives you all of her feelings, wait in silence. She even endured the pain, afraid to lose you in second if she ever unconsciously hurt you in the process, holding her own pain and struggles. It’s been years Jeongyeon. It’s for the sake of our friends, the relationship, our friendship all this time. We all cared for you, we would always be."

"So, Please? Please tell me that you do. Tell me that you will try,” There’s a pleading in Sana’s tone. There’s so much hope that she put into the words, and Jeongyeon could feel herself slowly losing in the moment. As the time has stopped, the moment they look at each other, into the eyes, forgiving and believing in silence.

“You deserve better, Sana. You really do. I want to see you be happy, being in love again. You will find your happiness again, someday, with someone else. I hope that someone can treat you better, better than I could” Jeongyeon finally said it. They look again at each other, a pure smile formed between their face. 

“Can I hug you, for the last time? As your ex-girlfriend. I promise I won’t bother you like this again in the future. This will be the last time we ever talked about our feelings, I mean- my feelings. The feelings won’t go away easily, I know. But I’d make sure it won’t lingered too much to burden your relationship, in the meantime” Sana said, pleading through her eyes.

Sana really wants to hold, touch Jeongyeon, for the last time. She wants to feel the warm in Jeongyeon, for herself, before she completely let her go to Mina. She wants to have her for the last time, as much as she could, as long as she can. It’s really her last chance. Just tonight.

Jeongyeon closed their distance, walking to Sana in one big step and engulfing the girl, embrace her in a big hug. Sana is a bit shocked by the action but her sense comes back within seconds and wrap Jeongyeon’s body in a tight hug, pulling her closer by the arms. She let her face buried deep within Jeongyeon’s neck, taking her smell, remembering every detail about the girl in the back of her minds.

It will be the last time for Sana to ever hold Jeongyeon this close, and she wants to make the most out of it. She can feel the tears that she has tries so hard to fight back begin to fall down, slip down to her face. She doesn’t want to cry, not in this state, but failed miserably. She doesn’t want Jeongyeon to know, feel bad, and let go of the hug, not now. So Sana just slip out from Jeongyeon’s neck and reach down to hold Jeongyeon’s body tighter, placing her face onto the latter chest, hearing her heartbeat.

They keep hugging, for the longest time, letting go of each other left-over feelings that stayed in their heart.

They wanted to talk more, still have a lot of unsaid things between them, but neither of them can think of the right words to use. Parting, releasing Jeongyeon from the hug, Sana let her slip from the hold slowly. It’s over, it’s really over. There’s no more feelings should be involved after this moment. Sana accepted her fate, and so does Jeongyeon.

They just standing beside each other for another 10 minutes in silence, before bid their farewell. They promised to stay as a friend, no matter what happened between them in the past, as the result of their failed relationship.

They would find the happiness someday, they believed it. Just in this life-time, they are not mean for each other, not the end game of the story. Their chapters done, but the story goes on. 

Coming home, Jeongyeon was greeted by the sight of Mina’s in kitchen, cooking for their dinner.

“Finally, you are home, Jeong. Dinner will be ready soon, hurry up clean yourself, I’ll set up the table in the meantime” Mina greet her from distance, flashing her gummy smile.

They exchanged smile for a bit, nodding their head before Mina turns her back, focused on cooking her dish. Jeongyeon is standing still, watching Mina from behind. She fixed her gaze only on Mina, see her back, her movement, her now long hairs that she had put in ponytail, her figure, everything. Mina is flawless, too perfect in her eyes. Too perfect for Jeongyeon’s life to take.

The coldness that stayed in her body from outside temperature,

The tiredness, exhaustion from her work,

All sweep away just with the sight of Mina in front of her, welcoming her home.

Just the view of Mina’s, herself, is already enough to warm her heart.

And she should never take it for granted.

After showered, Jeongyeon just about to walked to their dresser before stumbled upon a book near the bedside table. It’s the book, the one with the blue cover as the night sky, with full yellow moon on the right and a single tree full of white flowers printed on the cover. The one that she read on the day she met Mina at the café. The memory of that time, the first time she saw Mina again, looking as good as she ever be, ethereal and mesmerized at the same time, flashed back on her mind.

She opens the book, flipped it a few times, before stopping on the exact page she last read. She remembered it clearly the time Mina’s voice whispered through her ear, the second she finished reading those quotes. She read it, again and again. This time, finally, she knows what the meaning of it.

__

__

_“An exceptional relationship is not  
one with a good beginning  
but one with a good ending.  
Relationships often begin accidentally,  
But when it comes to ending them,  
We usually have choices.  
Chose the ending wisely.”  
_

Closing the book, she had it clear from her mind. She has made up her thoughts.

Jeongyeon has chosen her ending.

~

“Would you like to watch the sunset with me?” Jeongyeon said between the lunch. It’s Saturday and Jeongyeon thinking of closing her shop early to spend more time with Mina, as the latter don’t have any work nor going out on weekend, mostly just playing games at home while waiting for her. “I found a perfect for us to spend the night.”

“Hmm? Suddenly?” Mina said while sipping her coffee. “How about the shop? If you are thinking what I’m thinking then please don’t, Jeong. I know you are worried, but I’m fine by myself. I’m just too lazy to go outside, that’s why I just stayed at home. Don’t worry about me, okay? Just focus on your work and don’t mind me, I’m alright. Besides, I could call others if I feel the need to,” Mina assured her, doesn’t want to worry or put any pressure for Jeongyeon. She’s already busy and exhausted from her work, and Mina doesn’t want to add any more burden on her shoulders.

“It’s okay, I already put out the sign that we would close early for the day and tomorrow. I’ve also given out my employees extra money as a bonus to spend for the weekend. They deserved it though. It’s been hella crazy this past Summer, they’ve worn out a lot. Also, it’s been a long time since we go out far away from town, right?”

Mina is thinking. It’s true. Both of them rarely spend the time outside of town. As far as she remembers, they only did it twice with the others and it was almost a year ago. With so many things that needs Jeongyeon’s supervision, the time they had for each other also has reduced a lot. She would go back and forth between town and even overseas because the business that she shared with Sunmi has growth and franchised to couple of places in another towns. Jeongyeon is getting busier but she never left Mina, always called and leaved text anytime she could. 

They still acted and behaved like a couple, or that was what all the people see and thought of them. They see and respected Mina as Jeongyeon’s partner, didn’t dare to make any move or hitting on the girl as they knew she always stay beside Jeongyeon. None of the people they knew ever question their relationship. None of them knew, even their friends. In fact, they are just a friend, closer but not more than that, or that was what Mina thought because Jeongyeon never said it out loud. They never properly talked it out, until now.

“Yeah, you are right. You need a short break, relax yourself for a bit, Jeong. Don’t worry about anything else for now, just finished your work for the day, okay? I guess I’ll be busy to prepare everything for the night. I’m going home now. Please drive safely on your way back later, I’ll be waiting for you at home.” Mina stand up, leaving a peck on Jeongyeon’s cheek before head out to catch the bus across the street.

\----

After an hour driving, they arrived at an area that has trekking trail for tourist spot. Only a couple of cars was seen parked in the area, so it’s easy for Jeongyeon to park her car to the top of the road near the entrance. Once they get outside, the calming sound from the chirping bird and the breeze from the forest welcoming them. Jeongyeon holding the basket filled with foods and drinks that Mina prepared with one hand, her other hand find it place intertwined with Mina and began to walk, leading their way in to their destination spot./

It's not really far, only takes them around fifteen minutes to reach the said spot, which is a small lake located inside the forest. Some people they assumed as a couple was seen filled the place, already taking their spot to enjoy the sunset. Jeongyeon then lead them to the end of the bridge, putting down their belongings, marking it as their spot for the rest of the evening.

The sun begins to set when they listened to the music playing from Mina’s phone. None of them wants to break the silence, already feel comfort by each other presence. Mina has specifically created a playlist to listen with Jeongyeon, sharing her taste and their intimate moments for the night. It was playing Sunset by Twice, when the sky begins to change the color. The blue sky has turned darker, leaving the sun to set down slowly with its red and orange color in the sky, taken the leave of the day. It’s beautiful, but Jeongyeon’s focus was not on the scenery.

She was too stunned with the person sitting beside her. When the sun slowly set down, the sky that was nothing turned red and illuminating Mina’s face, showing her beautiful face from the side. Her face shined brilliantly with the way the water from the lake sparkling, mirroring the sunset in the background. She could see how Mina’s slowly stretched her smile, enjoying the sunset in her view, the smile that Jeongyeon love the most.

Jeongyeon can feel the warmth that slowly filled in her heart, mesmerized by the sight of Mina. Mina makes her feel wanted, lets Jeongyeon feeling loved when she is too broken to feel anything.

She doesn’t know how much time has passed when Mina turns to look at her side, still with the same smile plastered on her face. Happiness could be seen, clearly shown on her face, and Jeongyeon is capturing every single moment she had with Mina right now, saved it in the back of her mind. She was a little bit taken back, blinked few times, when Mina lean in and leave a peck on her lips, before turning back to now black sky covered with dark clouds, leaving the sun out of sight.

“I have my faith in you, Jeong. I believe that I have to be strong, be brave and faced everything, for us. And I’m glad I did it, ‘cause now, you are here with me. That’s more than enough.” Mina begin to talk, all while still keeping her gaze.

“I would never get tired of you, Jeongyeon. I wanted you to see me through it all, wanted you to know just how down deep, I wanted you. I wanted you to be the one I loved, I always do, from now and then. So please, share your thoughts, your burden, and all the pains with me, okay? Just let me stay by your side, because I would never ever left you anymore. Because I love you, I really really love you no matter what would happen in the future, Jeong. I really do.” Mina said in her low soft voice, still keeping her gaze to the now night sky.

Mina put her feelings, meaning every word that comes out from her mouth for Jeongyeon to hear.

Jeongyeon keeps silence, but did not tear her gaze away from Mina. She could feel the fluttering in her stomach, the erratically beats from her heart. Mina always said the words, and it never miss to flutter her, bringing up the heat to her cheeks. She loves to hear it from Mina but not even once Jeongyeon could ever replied, returning the said feelings. Her coldness and broken heart, the failed relationship she had with her family and especially Sana, bring out the fear of losing precious people in her life but Mina choose to stay, never leave her side ever since Jeongyeon tried to push her away. Mina should be tired of her, but she never showed it, instead stay in her place and keep pestering Jeongyeon, showing her care and love for Jeongyeon. Showing how a person to be wanted.

Everything that doesn’t make sense with Jeongyeon, changes, make sense when she is with Mina. She makes Jeongyeon feel good, makes her feel better, never let Jeongyeon forget who she is. She always holds Jeongyeon hands, be there in her good or worse moment in life. She makes Jeongyeon alive, makes Jeongyeon feel wanted.

Mina has made Jeongyeon feel wanted, with every single touch, every single word. Everything that comes from Mina really did warm her heart little by little, day by day. Mina never put any pressure to Jeongyeon to open up her feelings, let alone ask her to love her back. She didn’t push Jeongyeon to return her feelings, Instead, she stayed by her side, be there with here on the hardest time, assured her that everything will pass, go away and will be okay. She had changed the coldness in her heart, filled it with hope and endless love, and her heart now has warmed and filled with love. She is in love, she has been for the longest time, and she just realized it now.

“I Love You.”

The words slipped out from Jeongyeon’s mouth, unintentionally. It was too soft to be heard, more like a whisper, but she heard it clearly.

Mina quickly turns her head, not believing what she just heard. 

“I Love You, Mina. I really love you.”

Jeongyeon finally say the words, clearly, louder this time.

The words that Mina has been waiting for.  
The words that she has been longing for to come out from Jeongyeon’s mouth.  
Please let it be real, tell her she is not dreaming.

Mina hope she is not in a dream.

If she does, please don’t let her wake up shortly, please.

Jeongyeon move closer, now taking both of Mina’s hand in her hold.

“Mina, I’m sorry it takes me long enough to say this. I’m sorry I made you wait for this long, to finally realized that I’ve been falling in love with you all this time. You showered me with love and care, never tired of myself. I begin to catch feeling, too attach to your presence and I don’t think I could live my life without you beside me ever since you come to my life. Mina, I- ” Jeongyeon tried to find a better word to say.

Jeongyeon’s really nervous, afraid that she would pick a wrong word to confess. But here she is, with Mina, holding her hands. Gathering back her courage slowly, she washed away every bad thought from her mind.

“I know we can’t say anything about forever. I can’t even promise you happiness every single day, but, I really adore you, I love you so much, Mina. I will give you all my love, cherish you, and spend the rest of my life with the love that warm me, the love you’d give me through all this time, in our time together.” She takes a pause, catching her lose breath, putting together every single word in her mind to finally said,

“Say it, Myoui Mina. Would you like to keep stay by my side, waking up seeing my face every morning, sleeping through every single night holding hands or embrace each other in a tight hug, be the ending of my story in this life time?” Jeongyeon confess, her eyes looking for Mina, staring deeply into it, finding Mina’s orb. She loves Mina so much, it had burst out from her heart, and she will lose it the second Mina rejected her, ignore her presence, or worse, leaved her life, fighting the cruel life alone.

Mina is fixing her gaze, searching the sincerity in Jeongyeon’s words, her eyes, afraid that it was all a lie, it was just a dream that too good to be true. In there, Mina find herself trapped, get lost, drowning with the love in Jeongyeon’s eyes.

They stared at each other, lost in the world. Mina then nodded lightly at Jeongyeon, no other words needed to be said as she leans again, capturing Jeongyeon’s cheek with both of her hands and pressing their lips, softly against each other. She let it lingered for a while before opening her mouth to let Jeongyeon in, tasting each other. It’s a familiar taste, but this time it feels deeper, more consuming, as they finally let out each other feelings become one. They kiss softly before Jeongyeon pull Mina closer by the neck and deepen the kiss, as if they are any space between them. The kiss become needy, as their tongue fighting each other, claiming every space in the mouth, not wanting to back up.

Mina pull back, out of her breath but quickly regain herself to look at Jeongyeon, heads still touching. She felt powerless but her heart is full, finally complete. The road ahead is not easy, but it doesn’t matter as long as Jeongyeon with her. She believes they could go through everything together. She loves Jeongyeon so much, and she will risk everything, going through the same, every heartbreak, again and again- if by the end of it, Jeongyeon is the one that she will be ended up with.

Both hearts filled, full of love, they kiss again, this time with more force- hungrily. Jeongyeon pull Mina closer again by the waist and Mina slipped her arms to Jeongyeon’s back, hugging her tighly, pressing their body to each other, lose into their love. Opening her mouth instantly, Mina let Jeongyeon to slip her tongue inside again, feeling the warm of their liquid exchanged in between. Their tongue clashing, fighting on top of each other, getting lose in the kisses. No matter how many times they had done it, it never seems enough. They keep on kissing, exploring one another mouth, mumbling multiple i love you’s in between, before Jeongyeon abruptly pull back, causing Mina to be left in the shock, bewildered.

Something inside Jeongyeon has snapped, remembering that she didn’t even give a ring to Mina.

“Shit, Mina. I, I’m sorry. I, I- I forget about the ring,” Jeongyeon said with a sad face, guilty take over her as she dared to propose without even a gift.

Seeing Jeongyeon like that, hearing what she just said, Mina chuckled. She can’t believe on the person she just kissed. She just laughing at Jeongyeon, unable to hold her laughter any longer.

“I thought you have a sudden regret to propose to me,” she said, keep on laughing before shaking her head.

Regained herself, Mina cupped Jeongyeon’s face to look at her properly in the eyes, “It’s so silly of you, Jeong, to think that I care about a ring when your presence, you- here with me, is all that I need.”

Jeongyeon loves Mina, she really does. What did she do from her past life that she got to meet and even have Mina in her life? She really doesn’t deserve someone like Mina. She promises herself to never, ever let this chance wasted. She would kill her own life if she ever let her go.

“I’m glad that you love me for who I am, Mina. I feel blessed every time you stayed by my side through my thick and thin, scold me every time I did something wrong or putting my life aside, not thinking of my own health. I really appreciated all the effort but, but for real. You shouldn’t, you can’t let this slide, you really have to remind me to get one of the most beautiful ring for your finger. I want to mark you as my own, tell the world that You and Me, are one.” Jeongyeon finish off, sincerely.

From the outside, Her face was so serious that Mina feels bad to see Jeongyeon in that state. But Internally, in her head, Jeongyeon was taking a mental note, blaming her stupidness.

Mina flashed her gummy smile to Jeongyeon, to ease the guilty in her face. Jeongyeon see how the smile formed from Mina beautiful face, and Jeongyeon, who replied with the biggest grin she ever had, can’t hold back her feelings. They can’t see the future without one another, not even dared to look back and imagined to have someone else beside them right now, or to spend the rest of their life with anyone but the person in front of them.

This is what their hearts wants.

Finally, their hearts have found the other half, completely become one.

And they sealed the love, with a kiss that taste like forever.

**_Ends._**


End file.
